Keep the Pressure On

Commentary by Cantice

At church last Sunday, I sat on the edge of my seat as my pastor called for men to rebuild the walls of their own lives, and those of their families and communities. I was inspired by that message to issue a challenge of my own. Coming off of Father’s Day weekend, I’m putting out a call to women to keep the home fires lit by expecting more from your current or future man. For married women I dare you to expect your husband to make enough money to support you and your children. For single women I challenge you to be celibate and to stop dating men because you’re lonely and like free entertainment. To all my single sisters out there, I challenge you to call your girlfriend when you want to spend time with someone. Learn to be a woman’s best friend.

Before Father’s Day I listened as a girlfriend lamented the lack of good marriage material (men) in our local community. I responded that women helped created these “slim pickins” by being in relationships where we give our bodies, our emotions, and our financial and educational support. We have created male counterparts who have no reason to buy into marriage. Only those men who have been wise enough to resist the help we’ve offered sexually, financially, spiritually, and emotionally find themselves wanting us. Those are the men who marry.

While I recognize that women can’t change men, I think we help them in our families and relationships by setting high expectations of them. This is elementary psychology. It is how good teachers and parents inspire children. It is how good coaches and pastors inspire adults. Even the most self-motivated or spiritually-motivated person aspires to higher standards once he or she comes in contact with another person whose standards are just a little higher.

Those of us who came of age post-Sexual Revolution may find the paradigm of a male primary wage-earner and any celibate adult outdated. But if we’re truthful, many of us who tried to do relationships the new way were unfulfilled and frustrated. I think Wanda said a few commentaries back that there is “nothing new under the sun.” If we believe that, why don’t we apply it to our relationships? Married women out there are thinking that I don’t know what their lives would be like if they stopped working or made a change in career that put the pressure on their husband to begin seeing himself as the one on whose shoulders the finances fell. If that is you, please know that I don’t challenge a person to do anything I haven’t done. I’ve got to be honest here. It was my husband who put the pressure on himself to be able to support our family without my income. At the same time, he didn’t demand that I quit working, nor did he restrict us from following through on our plans to have children early in marriage. Today I’m reaping the benefits of his faith and high standards for himself as the head of our union under God.

To read more from Cantice logon to her blog.

Response By Wanda

Cantice if I didn't know you were born in the 70's I would think you were born in 1920! Yes women should have standards, and yes women should expect the best, I will agree with you on those points. But Cantice really, do you think that I should be responsible for making men into the marrying type or praying for God to send me a man to be the primary wage earner? I can't even believe that you are suggesting this ancient notion of marriage.

Additionally, there are many "traditional" women who can not find a good man just like all of us "radical" types. Also, give me a break about women having good female relationships. Married people kill me with this one. Of course single women have fabulous girlfriends and wonderful and interesting careers but just like you lay up in the bed next to your husband... they want to also. So if they appear to be focused on it... can you blame them? You should understand. And in my opinion the amount of the time you have been single makes you more of a expert on the subject. I meet married people who hold Single conferences... (huh?) who married when they were between the ages of 22-26. I am not minimizing their experiences but they weren't single that long so can one really speak to the challenges of being single to the rest of the adult population -those individuals who have figured out who they are (most 25 year olds haven't) and have established themselves financially and professionally (men and women included.)

A few years ago I heard a 40 year old woman speak at a Singles event (1 of about 3 that I have ever attended) and she had never been married. I wish she would have been more candid with the audience but she went the superspiritual route and didn't discuss her day to day challenges. But nevetheless I think if she was more open with us she could have really helped people. These type of people need to hold Singles Conferences not people that can't even remember being single, picked the first person who came their way or had been a chronic dater their entire life before they settled down.

Whew... I'm exhausted. I think that your commentary this week has been a blow to women like myself who try to communicate a new way of thinking of ourselves and of men. What is even more depressing is that your views are not uncommon among young women. Lastly, my reference to the famous line in Shakespeare's sonnet "nothing new under the sun" can not be appropriated for this conversation. But if we were to apply it here, for argument sake, then you should advocate that we stop educating our girls and teach them that their only goal in life is to have children and clean the house since that is the way things were done in the past.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.