Love and Baccalaureate

Commentary by Cantice

Two young women close to me graduated this weekend, one from high school, the other from college. Both will go on to prestigious institutions to continue their education. One will go to a graduate school of public health, the other to Wesleyan University to pursue a degree in film. Both are fully supported emotionally, if not financially by their parents. I was happy to be a part of their celebrations and to see them pursue their dreams.

Ironically, I had a conversation with myself and later with my husband this weekend which acknowledged the dilemma that marriage presents to an independent thinker. I spoke of the ways that marriage is a direct opponent to a free-willing single life (the single is accustomed to answering only to his or herself and/or his or her perceived spiritual promptings). At the time, I didn’t mindfully connect this conversation with my attendance at these promotion celebrations, especially since it was driven by my frustrations at having presently to rearrange and balance my own aspirations. But clearly the two, my thoughts and their graduations, are connected.

I don’t happen to know whether either young woman wants to get married, but there’s a good chance that they both do. If they both do desire to marry, how did that desire inform their decision to commit to two or more years of concentrated study in faraway places? Is higher education both an intellectual enterprise and a way to improve the odds of finding a romantic equal? If it necessarily diminished the odds of marrying, would it be worth forfeiting? I apologize to those for whom this subject seems like an old, outdated argument rehashed, but if it is, what advances have we made in our ability to reconceptualize the preparation of singles in society who at once independently conduct their lives, yet strongly desire to be married. When do those who aspire to be married reorient their lives to partnership versus sole proprietorship? Does it happen during premarital counseling, while dating, after engagement, or when one confirms that he or she desires to be married? What other relationships can be formed or nurtured to simulate the partnership in marriage?

I might sound like a broken record as I express my concern for singles who desire to marry, but have yet to realize that aspiration. I think it comes out of my own ignorance to marriage preparation rituals (I am still going through the rites of passage). Still, I believe that marriage is like any other goal; active, tangible steps must be taken for one to draw close to the achievement. I don’t believe marriage is akin to salvation, success, or even completion, but I do believe it is one of many virtues. Successful marriage, like some other occupations, is synonymous with self-sacrifice. Equally important, successful marriage brings out the best in both husband and wife. I know I wouldn’t be who I am, and I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have without the support of my husband. Of course we fight. But I couldn’t have chosen a better sparring partner.

To read more about the ways education affects success in marriage log onto Cantice's blog.


Response by Wanda

Cantice I am not sure that being an independent thinker is the antithesis to a healthy marriage. I think being selfish and self-centered is more of a threat than an individual who pushes against the status quo. I think the larger issue is that women who are independent thinkers have difficulty being happy in a traditional marriage where women "follow" their husbands. Therefore many women try to achieve as much as possible before the wedding nuptials because they are fully aware that they will have less free time, carry more responsibility, and more likely suffer from exhaustion than their hubbies.

Cantice, I wonder if you would have had this same perspective had the recent graduates been male? Would you have seen their ambitions in opposition to marriage? Or would you have congratulated them and thought "What great husbands they will be one day?" Being aggressive, decisive, or an independent thinker is celebrated in men but these characteristics pose as cautionary tales for women. Which leads us to the dilemma...what are we going to do about? Absolutely nothing because our social structures, whether the church or home, foster a female who is the primary childcare provider, primary housekeeper, joint wage earner with limited decision making power.Her place is not to demand or think outside of what her family or the church has instructed her to think. Encouraging women to be independent thinkers would only sabotage the family structure as we know it.

History shows us that independent thinkers are enemies to the status quo. And women are no exception. I love to see young women who dare to follow their dreams without inhibitions. And I hope that these women will continue to dare to dream big and will find mates who appreciate and respect their ability to think.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.

Jesus, Politics & Falwell

Commentary by Wanda

Rev. Jerry Falwell passed away on Tuesday at the age of 73. He is responsible for Evangelicals getting involved in politics starting in the 1970's. Falwell mobilized Christians across the US after the passing of Roe vs. Wade and the development of the Equal Rights Amendment, to defend Christian family values through political engagement. Jerry Falwell who co-founded the Moral Majority was responsible for the election of Christian president Jimmy Carter and then later Reagan. I grew up listening to him on the TV because my Dad was a big fan. He made a huge impact on American politics; he was one of the most influential Christians outside of King in the 20th century.

Today I had lunch with a friend who asked me "Do you think the Religious Right will be able to recover from losing this influential leader?" I immediately answered him,"Trust me he has a prodigy. And his passing may actually encourage the conservative vote to continue his legacy of protecting family values." Monday on the Larry King Live show "God and Politics" had several religious leaders who discussed the impact of a candidate's personal religious faith on the success of their campaign. They also discussed Falwell's influence on politics and the emerging voices in the conservative camp led by mega-pastor Rick Warren and theologian N.T. Wright. These men feel that the true moral issue of our country is not the family but poverty. Unfortunately, Falwell did not participate in that discussion because of his illness but it would have been interesting to hear his perspective on the matter. According to the Gospels, Jesus was concerned and even commissioned his followers to take care of the poor and the widows. So if the Conservatives want to know WWJD, it would be to keep the poor and the marginalized as our focus. Possibly work on public education and healthcare, etc.

I am a moderate so I won't bother you with my issues with the Christian/Religious Right. However, it is encouraging to hear a prophetic voice from the Right; one that seeks to find common ground and truly embrace the Christian spirit of brotherhood and love. Nevertheless, it will be interesting to see what Conservative Christians will do about their front runners one of which is Pro Choice and the other a Mormon. Hummm... I think upcoming discussions should be very interesting.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.


Response by Cantice

I had to learn from Wanda that Jerry Falwell died, but I don't keep up with the news in up-to-the-minute or even up-to-the-day accuracy, as I probably should. I do know who Rick Warren is. I've visited his church and attended the Purpose Driven Church conference twice (my husband has four times). Our church, Destiny is Purpose Driven and has been since 1997, before the movement was popularized. Our pastor, Dr. Bryan Crute, embraced the model after he had already started the church in 1995. I think the history of my church and my pastor's vision for it, connects interestingly to the Religious Right.

Before starting Destiny, Pastor Crute was the leader of a non-profit organization that targeted college students to train them to be Christ-centered leaders with bibliocentric principles. Many of the messages that Crute delivered to us focused on integrity. At that stage in our lives many of us had either rejected or faltered to uphold standards of sexual integrity. We needed encouragement to upohld other Godly virtues, but we didn't need the same strength of encouragement to remember to do good to the poor or to remember the widows. Many of us were the "orphans" of the New Millenium, having fathers who deserted us in presence or action. And how could we forget the poor? Many of us were numbered with them.

As Jesus said, the poor will always be with us. Today, nonprofit organizations abound, and largely, they attend to the educational, healthcare, and other poverty related needs of children. If they do so from a religious platform they are often denied government funding. Many of those who operate without government money for religious reasons, are led by people who vote Republican, whose impetus to do good is intricately entwined with their religious beliefs. To imply that poor people are being neglected by either party or candidate is to misrepresent the facts. Republicans and Democrats disagree on the manner in which to support the poor, but they agree that they shouldn't be neglected.

I doubt that Jesus would be concerned about politics the way that we are. After all, having a king, president, or other earthly absolute authority was not God's intention for us. If he lived today, I don't think Jesus would care in the least about public education. Education is the charge of parents and not the government. Jesus was educated in the trade of his Jewish earthly father and he was prompted by his heavenly father to educate himself in spiritual matters. Jesus spent his time setting individuals free spiritually and correcting false teachings of authorities. Once people gathered, he would feed them. That is what churches and those nonprofits who do not receive government funding still do today.

Cantice is named ModestyZone's "Rebel of the Month" click here to read more.

Boys Need Not Apply

Guest Commentary by Pamela

Recently, my husband and I went to see one of his couple friends' new baby girl. While she was sleeping, a conversation was struck up about the other children and teenagers in the neighborhood and how mostly the teenage boys were causing the most problems (breaking into neighbor’s home, not going to school etc.). In the middle of his wife's narrative, our friend interrupted her and said, “See, this is why I didn’t want a boy. Aren’t you glad that we didn’t have a boy?”

What is happening to us as a people when even our men do not want to raise men? Is raising a woman that much easier? I have four daughters and I would tell [any parent] that [the way a child turns out] does not depend on whether the child is male or female, but on how you raise them and even that is the luck of the draw every time. Some children will grow up never giving you an ounce of trouble and some will keep you up at night, all night. With so many of our black men in jail, on drugs, and dying at an earlier age than women, it looks as if they have no hope. Wouldn’t it make sense to want to try and raise a new and better group of young men?

It seems that we are trying to take the easy way out, which could cause the destruction of our people. We have listened to all the statistics and television stories that show us the black men who are committing crimes and it is causing us to give up on them. We are constantly bombarded with the mug shot of the black assailant, while the mug shots of suspects of different races are withheld. Less black boys are in college, and even less graduate. Mothers push their daughters to go to college to become doctors, lawyers, and business women, while many of the same mothers push their sons to become football and basketball players, or rappers. We put a ball and a mic in our five year old son’s hand, while we put a book in our five year old daughter’s hand. Our hope grows for our daughters, while we lose hope for our sons. I’ve witnessed this dying hope first hand.

I have two young men that have adopted our family. They graduated from high school the same year as my second daughter. Their parents told them that they would not get any help from them to try to get into college; they said they had to do it on their own. One wants to be an astronaut and the other wants to be a fireman or something to do with mechanical engineering. My husband and I keep an update on how they both are doing. The aspiring astronaut had to leave school for a year so he could work and save money to pay for the next year of tuition. He is set to go back this summer. Meanwhile, his parents are doing all that they can to make sure that their daughter (who will be graduating next year with my third daughter) gets into the best college possible. The boys visit us all the time. One even brought his girlfriend over for us to meet her; he told her our house is his second home. The boys come by just to let us know how they are doing. Why? Because we care to know.

Response by Wanda

Pam your commentary speaks to what I believe is symptomatic to issues of gender inequality. We can remember in it our nursey rhymes "girls are nice made of sugar and spice, boys are made of rats, snails and puppy dog tails." Women are morally superior to men therefore we allow them to get away with everything- because they just can't help themselves. This of course is a falacy - men are not morally inferior.

The issue is that men and women, because of cultural and social contexts, have different needs in human development. And many times, it appears, parents are not willing to make those choices to support his development. Or sometimes he is raised by a single mother who may not know good male roles models to show him the right way. Or as you suggested, good parenting is not a 100% guarantee that the child will not cause sleepless nights.

I always joke with my friends who have boys and say, "please do the world a favor, and raise your son to be a man of integrity, with good Christian values, who knows how to treat a woman and will one day be a great husband and father." Because as a single woman, I am well aware that we have more than enough of the opposite.

Response by Cantice

I have to say that the husband’s comments, taken at face value, broke my heart. I’m thinking though, that he didn’t really mean it. Maybe he was just making the best of what might not have been his ideal. He had all girls. Most men want at least one boy.

I’m the mother of two boys who are soon to be 3 and 5. When my oldest son turned four, it was all I could do to read every book on raising boys that I thought was worth its weight. Not only is my son not female but he has a personality which is the exact opposite of mine. He is sensitive and cautious (while I tend to be a bold risk-taker). He likes to take his time doing things and he loves affection. I bring this up to say no parent should feel too proud to take unconventional advice when it comes to raising a child. And when it comes to raising black boys to be men, it is time to seek out some advice.

Boys of whatever race are usually allowed to explore on their own, unlike girls. Without guided involvement any boy could discover the wrong things. In our efforts to make boys, men, sometimes we prematurely leave them to themselves to discover the harshness of life too early. In the Black community we have to resist what may be our instinct to just let them go because of the sordid paths that have been generationally presented to black men. They need a little more steering than others without a tumultuous road ahead of them. If we keep this in mind, I believe we take a step in the direction of impacting a better future for our young men.

About Guest Commentator:

Pamela was born and raised in Boston Massachusetts where she met and married Dwayne, her husband of 22 years. Pam and Dwayne and their four daughters live in Atlanta, Georgia. Pamela’s motto is Love and Obey God, Love husband, Love and raise four successful
black women.

A Black Bushie

A Special Commentary By Cantice:

A Black Bushie: On Why I Still Support the President

All systems of political power are flawed. At best elected officials try to represent the collective of those who voted for them. At worst, you give a man a little power and watch him abuse it; you watch your congresswoman becoming greedy for gain and lose her connectedness to the average American. Perhaps the best and worst are both always the case.

I was asked several months ago whether I still support the President. Without pausing I said yes. Just like now, my statement silenced the room. The room was full of young (under 30) African Americans, but that statement would silence any room that isn’t a Southern Baptist sanctuary. I went on to name Bush’s initiatives that support marriage—before it became an issue to proclaim that marriage was between a man and a woman, I said that I’ve watched him put Social Security’s demise before the public in a serious way, and begin conversations on the immigration issue. Perhaps it was his beginning the conversation that gave Georgia politicians the guts to pass substantive illegal immigration enforcement laws. I have watched as he declared war against a world citizen who had broken the terms of his probation. Today I watch as he stands behind his actions in Iraq in the face of public disdain and inability to cope with the casualties of war. Bush appointed some of the Supreme Court judges who voted that the ban on an abortion procedure that delivers a full-term baby’s head before putting a whole in it and delivering the body of the dead baby (partial-birth abortion) was not unconstitutional.

My problem is not with this President. My problem is that I don’t see in any of the leading presidential candidates the type of leadership that it takes to run a country when the tide of popular opinion turns against you. People say that leading politically is all about the people. If that is true then that is the fatal flaw of politics. Leadership is about the one leading. It is up to constituents to look at the character and track record of the leader in question and determine if they will stand behind his or her decisions. When I’m stripped down to my core, I’m old school. I don’t run from a fight, you don’t talk about my family, and I call it like I see it. I think those are some of the mottos that the President doesn’t say, but deep down he believes. These are some of the mottos that down to earth folk and especially Black people have naturally lived by for years. It's too bad that they're not accepted when the President is the one living by them. I think many of my family and friends missed their chance to identify with him and to declare Bush the first Black President.

Who’s Afraid of Legal Immigration?

Commentary by Cantice

May 1st was International Workers Day. It was also the day which legal and illegal immigrants marked for demonstrations throughout the United States. Immigrants wanted to press politicians and the American people to make citizenship attainable for the millions of illegal immigrants who are currently living and thriving or not in this country.

I enter this conversation as someone who was born in the American southwest, and who grew up eating flautas and quesadillas (rolled tacos and cheese crisps). To this day my husband has to live with my proclivity to substitute the American loaf of bread for a 10 pack of flour tortillas. I also just happen to have a BA in Spanish. Do I say this to say some of my best friends are illegal? Well yes and no. Yes I am trying to show that I have been well acquainted with illegal immigrants in my life. And no, currently, I don’t have any friends who are illegal immigrants, nor do I make it a point to keep one friend of the sort.

I bring up the issue because after the War in Iraq, healthcare reform, and maybe after social security reform, illegal immigration policy is the next big issue bubbling before eruption. I think that we as a country need to realize that we will not be able to move forward with immigration reform without some concessions. There are probably hundreds of thousands of immigrants who have established businesses and households and have been living peacefully in the US for decades. There will have to be some sort of statute of limitation on deportation for this category of immigrants. I also think that to make immigration levels sustainable, tighter border control, strict deportation policies and fines for hiring illegal immigrants will have to become more frequent occurrences in law enforcement. Local governments will have to get serious about tracking and punishing document fraud and punishing other businesses who cater to the illegal immigrant market (who turn a blind eye to lack of or fraudulent documentation). Heads of States will need to be influenced to support reforms. Unfortunately, I don’t think either side of the border is ready for this.

In the worst case scenario, this situation could become terror-like or war-like if our government doesn’t begin now marketing solutions to US citizens and heads of other countries with high immigration rates to the USA. Even more radically than sentiments today, our national society could develop an “us against them” stance that could erupt in violence in neighborhoods throughout the US. If that were to happen, in case no one has noticed, here in the south the legals could be outnumbered.

Response by Wanda

I have mixed emotions around immigration issues in the US. I am definitely not from the camp of “deport them all” – unless they are breaking serious laws--but I also think that if illegal immigrants are not contributing to the economy they should not receive social benefits. As you mentioned, there is definitely an “us” against “them” sentiment that has heightened over the years. But forgive me if I still have a problem with completely embracing this country as my own and I cringe upon even celebrating Independence Day. I can’t help it, its from reading Dubois, Woodson, and West and living as a black American.

I have noticed that there hasn't been a lot of attention in the Presidential debates nor their individual platforms around immigration. However, this week many immigrants did march in cities across the country (except cities in Georgia where recent legislation was passed to “deport em” as soon as you can) to keep the issue before the public and not to fade into the background or be overshadowed by the war in Iraq – and that entire debacle is becoming so last Fall style season to me ---- boring.

I think our country needs to continue to acknowledge the opportunities that we bring to so many decent people that have left their countries for a better life. And although we can not allow them to be a deficit on our economy, I believe that many have proven to be a vital part of our economy. I am not well versed on immigration issues, fortunately my church is holding a conference on it this month, I am sure I will be able to speak more intelligently after then, but for now, I think that we shouldn’t begin a rampage to “send them back to the old country” as Bunker, Jefferson and Scott (that’s my Dad) would say. Maybe there is another way, maybe its all hype that they are going to “take over”- as if the powers that be will give them some type of political power- but what if they do? Does that make me any less American? Or make this country any less than America? Remember, its the home of the brave and land of the free… yeah right.