Love and Baccalaureate

Commentary by Cantice

Two young women close to me graduated this weekend, one from high school, the other from college. Both will go on to prestigious institutions to continue their education. One will go to a graduate school of public health, the other to Wesleyan University to pursue a degree in film. Both are fully supported emotionally, if not financially by their parents. I was happy to be a part of their celebrations and to see them pursue their dreams.

Ironically, I had a conversation with myself and later with my husband this weekend which acknowledged the dilemma that marriage presents to an independent thinker. I spoke of the ways that marriage is a direct opponent to a free-willing single life (the single is accustomed to answering only to his or herself and/or his or her perceived spiritual promptings). At the time, I didn’t mindfully connect this conversation with my attendance at these promotion celebrations, especially since it was driven by my frustrations at having presently to rearrange and balance my own aspirations. But clearly the two, my thoughts and their graduations, are connected.

I don’t happen to know whether either young woman wants to get married, but there’s a good chance that they both do. If they both do desire to marry, how did that desire inform their decision to commit to two or more years of concentrated study in faraway places? Is higher education both an intellectual enterprise and a way to improve the odds of finding a romantic equal? If it necessarily diminished the odds of marrying, would it be worth forfeiting? I apologize to those for whom this subject seems like an old, outdated argument rehashed, but if it is, what advances have we made in our ability to reconceptualize the preparation of singles in society who at once independently conduct their lives, yet strongly desire to be married. When do those who aspire to be married reorient their lives to partnership versus sole proprietorship? Does it happen during premarital counseling, while dating, after engagement, or when one confirms that he or she desires to be married? What other relationships can be formed or nurtured to simulate the partnership in marriage?

I might sound like a broken record as I express my concern for singles who desire to marry, but have yet to realize that aspiration. I think it comes out of my own ignorance to marriage preparation rituals (I am still going through the rites of passage). Still, I believe that marriage is like any other goal; active, tangible steps must be taken for one to draw close to the achievement. I don’t believe marriage is akin to salvation, success, or even completion, but I do believe it is one of many virtues. Successful marriage, like some other occupations, is synonymous with self-sacrifice. Equally important, successful marriage brings out the best in both husband and wife. I know I wouldn’t be who I am, and I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have without the support of my husband. Of course we fight. But I couldn’t have chosen a better sparring partner.

To read more about the ways education affects success in marriage log onto Cantice's blog.


Response by Wanda

Cantice I am not sure that being an independent thinker is the antithesis to a healthy marriage. I think being selfish and self-centered is more of a threat than an individual who pushes against the status quo. I think the larger issue is that women who are independent thinkers have difficulty being happy in a traditional marriage where women "follow" their husbands. Therefore many women try to achieve as much as possible before the wedding nuptials because they are fully aware that they will have less free time, carry more responsibility, and more likely suffer from exhaustion than their hubbies.

Cantice, I wonder if you would have had this same perspective had the recent graduates been male? Would you have seen their ambitions in opposition to marriage? Or would you have congratulated them and thought "What great husbands they will be one day?" Being aggressive, decisive, or an independent thinker is celebrated in men but these characteristics pose as cautionary tales for women. Which leads us to the dilemma...what are we going to do about? Absolutely nothing because our social structures, whether the church or home, foster a female who is the primary childcare provider, primary housekeeper, joint wage earner with limited decision making power.Her place is not to demand or think outside of what her family or the church has instructed her to think. Encouraging women to be independent thinkers would only sabotage the family structure as we know it.

History shows us that independent thinkers are enemies to the status quo. And women are no exception. I love to see young women who dare to follow their dreams without inhibitions. And I hope that these women will continue to dare to dream big and will find mates who appreciate and respect their ability to think.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.