Mad Love

Editorial Note and Poem
By Wanda

In place of a commentary, this week I decided to write a love poem about the men in my life. Although I like to write poems, I usually dont share them outside of my intended inspiration. But I have received several comments from individuals questioning my attitude towards men. So since I have not made my position perfectly clear in my commentaries I thought a creative work could shed some light on the subject. This is not my best poem, not even close, but it expresses my deepest sentiments for these indivduals. Please note: This will not be a regular occurence, I will return to my diatribes against sexism next week :-) - Sincerely Wanda

To The Men I Love(d)

To the men I love(d)
How divine you are
For you are made in His image
And our love confirms the enormity of His love

The very essence of a man sends me on a spiritual high
His walk, his presence and the very sound of his voice
The men I love(d) have made me come alive
Pull me out of the mundane, routine, rhythmic pace of life
And placed me into a transcendent space of where the divine only exists

To my Daddy,
You shaped my view on life and my faith
I’m your baby girl, the apple of your eye
And although you’re gone
I sometimes feel your presence
And the comfort of your unfailing love

For DJ, we were young and in love
We gave our hearts for what we thought would be forever
Or at least as much as forever could be at age 21
Although it didn’t last it was true love
Or the purest love of all….. Young love

To Eug-IV and BDH,
You are my friend, my companion, my confidant
It’s your perspective that brings balance to my Female world
It grounds me in what’s real
You have gone into the deep waters with me
Although we don’t always see eye to eye
Your love, friendship and compassion has kept me afloat

And finally to my dearest of kin, my blood, my co-conspirator in this world
My brother,
Myron your name means a fragrant balm, a sweet oil
And that you have been to me… healing, protection and comfort
As your little sishta
You scared away the boogie monster
And enacted lively bedtime stories until I fell asleep
As your grown sister
I find safety and security within your presence, your voice
And your beautiful letters of love
That always seem to appear in my mailbox at the perfect time

We have an inextricable bond
We share in all things
Disappointments and Triumphs
Your pain …is my pain
When you found love… I found love
Your happiness… is my happiness

Your undying love has motivated me to higher educational heights
My diploma is your diploma
Without your unfailing love and faith in me
The fulfillment of my goals would not be within my reach

To the men I love(d)
How divine you are
For you are made in His image
And our love confirms the enormity of His love


A Response to "Mad Love"
by Cantice

What to say? I didn't think Wanda needed to respond to the suggestions by some men that she was a bit of a man-basher. As men and women continue to read what Wanda writes, they will grow to know her more, just as I have. On the other hand, what Wanda was provoked to write reminds us of the integral roles men play in our lives: fathers, husbands, brothers, friends. It is always good for me to be reminded that we belong together. And even more important, that without the respectful interaction of the sexes, neither of us reaches his or her full potential. So in the immortal words of Claire Huxtable, Wanda, you have "let the record show..."

Select One: Sex or Sex

Commentary by Cantice

I direct a not-for-profit organization called Verge. Verge exists to strengthen commitments to abstinence, pursuit of purpose, desire for marriage and joy in parenthood in young adults (especially college students and alumni) age 17-30. As part of my role, I write grant proposals. One of the proposals I wrote was addressed to a local Memorial Foundation. When I searched for potential funders, I limited my criteria to foundations that support women’s organization or women’s issues, family planning, higher education, or Christian agencies. The local Memorial Foundation fit the criteria.

Friday I received a phone call from the founding member of the foundation responding to my request for support. Ms. Founder* informed me that the foundation would not support Verge because “abstinence is unrealistic.” In short, Ms. Founder is an avid supporter of Planned Parenthood and believes that contraceptive practices constitute a more realistic approach to planning parenthood than abstinence. Ms. Founder is 60 (she offered me this information) and has no children.

I was taken back by Ms. Founder’s response. That she didn’t give us a donation was disappointing, but not as disappointing as her disinterest in hearing that college-age women recommit to abstinence for a myriad of reasons, health-related, religious, and otherwise; that abstinence as a trend is rising; that I’m living proof that post-virginity abstinence can work; and that despite its unpopularity, sexual abstinence is the better choice for a woman emotionally, financially, medically, and spiritually.

I don’t want to go on about how Ms. Founder’s phone call made me feel. I want to know why she and women like her won’t set higher standards of sexual ethics for young women, and women in general. She can’t blame it on religion, because every major religion from Christianity to Islam—even Buddhism esteems sex as that which is best experienced between husband and wife. Is guilt the culprit? Are skeletons and memories preventing Ms. Founder from challenging women to expect more of themselves and their love interests? What kind of society is one which promotes the deception that sex is “free”? What effect does that ideology have on adolescents, marriage, men and women?

I suggest that women like Ms. Founder reconcile their past relational and sexual mistakes so that they may convey an honest message to the younger women who will look to them for guidance on issues of love and sex.

*Fictitious name due to sensitivity of the topic

Response by Wanda

Cantice, you know that I believe in what you are doing at Verge. Unfortunately, shortsighted individuals like Ms. Founder are unable to see the rewards of this lifestyle choice. And I emphasize choice. Sexual education was designed to not only inform young men and women about their bodies but also to provide choices….So isn’t abstinence a choice? There are a lot of people who claim to adhere to an open perspective on sex education until you mention abstinence, particularly if it is for religious reasons.

Abstinence is difficult, rather, it is extremely difficult, especially if you enjoy sex. But no matter how difficult it is, I believe it is the best choice for men and women (particularly for those of the Christian faith). I can quote a ton of scriptures that substantiate the sacredness of the body but even further sex, from my experience, clouds your judgment, causes you to hold onto a dead relationship longer than you should, and leaves you susceptible to unhealthy emotional ties. I made a vow of celibacy, not in the monastic way, but until I get married. I made this commitment several years ago (or at least it feels like it) – probably more like 4 years ago, and it hasn’t been easy. Unfortunately I haven’t always maintained it, but I realize that my frailties do not make celibacy flawed. It is a standard (according to my understanding of the Bible) not an exception, so I must meet the standards of my Faith.

The biggest debate against celibacy is that it isn’t natural, and for those who do not ascribe to certain religious beliefs it isn’t; but neither is an STD or AIDS. (I know that some have contracted these diseases from their spouse but that is another topic for another discussion.) Although there have been days when I feel as if I am hanging on to my celibacy commitment by a string - because celibacy at 33 is more challenging than celibacy at 25- I then realize that the benefits will be well worth it. So when I meet my partner for life, with clear minds, we can make that lifelong decision based on a realized compatibility and not just on physical attraction. Although, I plan to marry a hottie!

Bacon!! (...and eggs)

Commentary by Wanda
Unless you have been living under a rock for the last 20 years you have witnessed or experienced the backlash that has taken place against career mothers. A recent study published in The Journal of Social Forces entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It? Equality, Equity, Commitment and Women’s Marital Quality” found that that women and men are happier in marriages with more traditional elements compared to egalitarian marriages (each party contributes to the finances, housekeeping and childcare). Before you respond with a hearty “amen” or a somber “whatever”, please note that the research was led by Professor W. Bradford Wilcox from the University of Virginia a proud and open supporter of traditional marriages (don’t always believe what you read). And just recently in the August 22, 2006 issue of Forbes Magazine, Michael Noer an editor, wrote the article “Don’t Marry Career Women” warning men not to marry career women because “they are more likely to divorce, more likely to cheat and less likely to have children…. Then, to put it bluntly, the more successful she is, the more likely she is to grow dissatisfied with you.” (Mr. Noer, is citing not only the study mentioned above but also studies from the Institute for Social Research, American Journal of Sociology and The Journal of Marriage and Family.)

Although I am always skeptical of research, because you always have to ask so many critical questions of not only the subjects chosen, the way in which data is rated, and the background of the researchers, for argument sake I will consider the Wilcox study reputable. With this being the case then I will conclude that women are receiving more support because their husband is more comfortable and values the role that she embodies in their marriage. However, is that an adequate reason to promote traditional marriages for all those seeking marital bliss? Or should we help men understand the benefits and value of a marriage that supports his wife’s needs and also makes him happy? Maybe it’s not that career women are harder to please possibly men are not yet comfortable with the shift of roles although they wouldn’t outright say they want their wife in a more traditional role or at least not the breadwinner and demanding equal division of household responsibilities.

The feminist movement did fabulous things for women but one huge failure was that it didn’t “convert” enough men. It appears that certain individuals want women to return to days of making the man the King of his castle -at her expense- appeasing his every whim, not ruffling any feathers, dropping the kids off at school, working 8 hour days, picking up the kids from school, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, cleaning up dishes, helping with homework, vacuuming, and doing laundry. Although, observing “Super Moms” in action can be empowering, in many ways it’s depressing. Why should a woman with a partner carry such a burden alone? However, I am full of hope and believe that although second wave feminism took place over 40 years ago, it has only been 40 years. Change takes time. Most modern women are aware that the struggles we face for equality will not be handed to us on a silver platter we will have to continue to speak out and engage more men in the discussion and not get discouraged by slanted studies or small minds. One day women will cease singing the old 1970’s Enjoli perfume ad “I bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and I’ll never let you forgot you’re a man, cause I’m a woman…Enjoli” and write new songs of their lives that encourage true equality and support for the family as a whole not at the expense of her own sanity.

The data for this study was collected from the National Survey of Families and Households (NSGH) and surveyed 5,010 couples. Link to Study “What’s Love Got to Do With It? Equality, Equity, Commitment and Women’s Marital Quality” www.virginia.edu/sociology/peopleofsociology/wilcoxpapers/Wilcox/Nock marriage.pdf

A Response to Bacon!! (and eggs)
By Cantice

I didn’t read Professor Wilcox’s study, but I will. I have, however, read a similar study in the American Journal of Family Therapy (by Bean et al. 33.4 (2005): 319-336 ) which corroborates the professor’s findings.

I’m less interested in agreeing with his findings or refuting Wanda’s rant than I am in considering why his findings so upset Wanda and perhaps others. If it is true that a majority of men and women are happier when they are in a traditional marriage (where the man is the primary breadwinner and the woman is the primary house-and children-keeper) why is it stomach-turning? I think any researcher would be hard-pressed to find a woman who is not happier if her husband is able to support her and his family without her working. Do I have any honest women out there? How would that make you feel? How much would that change your life? Would it relieve any of your stress?

At the same time, staying home with babies and/or preschoolers with no help is harder than working an eight-hour shift, partly because society has changed. The at-home-networks (at-home grandparents, older women in the neighborhood, other at-home-mothers, teenage female relatives), are sparser today than they were 50 years ago. Feminism’s answer to the weight of at-home work was to make the man do half of the domestic work (though it didn’t relieve his work schedule outside of the home). Since the 70’s wives have consistently increased in number as workers outside of the home. But, Fox-Genovese notes in Women and the Future of Family, that there was no increase in men at home, so the ones who lose (and have been losing consistently since the Women’s Revolution) are children: aborted and abandoned.

As someone said in an earlier comment, staying home isn’t the issue. The issue is value. If I don’t value being at home, but I am there, I am a peon in my own eyes. But the issue is also economic. If I am at home and I literally don’t have the means to go anywhere or do anything, then home is a prison. Could the issue also be wealth envy? Do any feelings of envy or jealousy pop-up if I find out that some families have the means to allow the wife to be at home, have help for the house and/or children and still have a life?

Instead of calling each other names, I wish we would deal with the real issues that are the fallout of our value shifts: unhappy women, perverted men, broken homes, and dysfunctional children. Women, especially married ones and mothers, will play multiple roles in their lives at home and in the marketplace. If you’re like me, you could stand to play your part with a little more grace.

If Plan A Doesn't Work Try Plan B

Commentary by Cantice

Let’s not let the FDA’s approval of the over the counter “morning after” pill go undiscussed. We begin with the facts. The morning after pill or Plan B as the FDA calls it, is a progestin-only double-dose of a typical birth control pill that may work in any of several ways. Its mechanism is explained in plain terms by Jennell Paris in Birth Control for Christians. If taken before ovulation, the pills interrupt the maturation of the developing egg, preventing or delaying ovulation. If taken after ovulation the pill may immobilize sperm in thickened cervical fluid, slow the movement of the egg through the fallopian tube, or prevent a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus (Paris 160). The drug’s OTC approval came after 60 agencies in 2001 petitioned the federal government to make the drug available over-the-counter (womenshealth.gov August 2006). Responding to the petition, the government called for more testing that when completed in 2003 named the drug safe and effective. The pill had been made available through prescription since 1999.

I am hardly surprised that the pill has made its way to OTC status. The government did its due diligence by raising the age of purchaser to 18 (the drug company proposed offering the drug to those age 16 and older). The FDA also added the restriction that the drug be administered by a licensed pharmacist. The pro-life community, within which I align myself, did its part to inform people of the ways that the pill may work to abort by preventing a zygote (a sperm-fertilized egg) from implanting.

These days, we can’t rely on institutions to make decisions that display the highest sense of morality, because morality must align itself with deity, and in this country we are unwilling as a society to do that. This event of Plan B being made available over the counter presents us an opportunity to rethink or establish for the first time our personal morality when it comes to contraception or family planning. Let me offer this warning to the single people reading, contraception is like sex, if you don’t conquer it before you marry, it creeps back up to haunt you after marriage.

As a society, we will continue to use technologies to take up the slack for what we are failing to do by our own wills. What I wish is that the public and private sectors would spend half as much time and money dealing with real issues, in this case our unbridled sexual urges and unmet relational needs. If we use technologies it should be within a temporary plan to strengthen ourselves and should one day be phased out or restricted in some cases. The gentlest advice I can give the reader is to first deal with the real issues as they are defined in your life. By what authority do you allow yourself to overstep restrictions on sex before marriage that are found in all three of the major world religions and all but a couple of smaller ones? When it comes to contraception, allow yourself to do serious research and give yourself time to digest and respond spiritually to the information you find. And if you are a Christian, you should care about precedents and scriptures in the Bible responding to issues of family planning or contraception. If you need to be guided in your search, send me an email. I live for this.

A RESPONSE TO PLAN B
By Wanda

I knew this was coming….Honestly, Cantice I don’t have a problem with the morning after pill being available to women over 18 years old. Unlike many others, I do not see it as an abortion pill, from my research I understand it to be an emergency form of birth control. I prefer not to delve into the science of the pill, because your explanation above gives a good description of its functionality. I believe the FDA will ultimately display a high level of responsibility when it comes to the distribution of the pill.

However, Christians should realize (although I consider myself a Christian) that most people are not interested in sexual purity, so why get involved in this conversation? I am not condoning reckless, careless, sexual practices by single or married people. And I believe that as a Christian your body is sacred and should not be abused through spiritual, sexual, or any other type of physical carelessness. But things do happen - even to the best of Christians. Being a mature Christian or a personal of high moral values never equates to sainthood.

Additionally, birth control in the general sense is a matter of personal conviction. I cringe at the notion that there are “biblical scholars” who would attempt to build a sound biblical/historical case against contraception. At best you build a limited opinion and mask it as sound biblical interpretation. As a biblical scholar in the making, I understand that scripture must provide practical life application even in the light of antiquated traditions and social settings. Nevertheless, we should never place scripture at the mercy of our own personal convictions.

I feel wholeheartedly that birth rates should be controlled. You and I live in the overpopulated Atlanta, Georgia just think if no one used contraception or only practiced the very tedious natural birth control methods- we would have to leave home 3 hours early just to travel 10 miles to work. But maybe that would encourage more space exploration? Who knows you Right to Lifers may be on to something.