Select One: Sex or Sex

Commentary by Cantice

I direct a not-for-profit organization called Verge. Verge exists to strengthen commitments to abstinence, pursuit of purpose, desire for marriage and joy in parenthood in young adults (especially college students and alumni) age 17-30. As part of my role, I write grant proposals. One of the proposals I wrote was addressed to a local Memorial Foundation. When I searched for potential funders, I limited my criteria to foundations that support women’s organization or women’s issues, family planning, higher education, or Christian agencies. The local Memorial Foundation fit the criteria.

Friday I received a phone call from the founding member of the foundation responding to my request for support. Ms. Founder* informed me that the foundation would not support Verge because “abstinence is unrealistic.” In short, Ms. Founder is an avid supporter of Planned Parenthood and believes that contraceptive practices constitute a more realistic approach to planning parenthood than abstinence. Ms. Founder is 60 (she offered me this information) and has no children.

I was taken back by Ms. Founder’s response. That she didn’t give us a donation was disappointing, but not as disappointing as her disinterest in hearing that college-age women recommit to abstinence for a myriad of reasons, health-related, religious, and otherwise; that abstinence as a trend is rising; that I’m living proof that post-virginity abstinence can work; and that despite its unpopularity, sexual abstinence is the better choice for a woman emotionally, financially, medically, and spiritually.

I don’t want to go on about how Ms. Founder’s phone call made me feel. I want to know why she and women like her won’t set higher standards of sexual ethics for young women, and women in general. She can’t blame it on religion, because every major religion from Christianity to Islam—even Buddhism esteems sex as that which is best experienced between husband and wife. Is guilt the culprit? Are skeletons and memories preventing Ms. Founder from challenging women to expect more of themselves and their love interests? What kind of society is one which promotes the deception that sex is “free”? What effect does that ideology have on adolescents, marriage, men and women?

I suggest that women like Ms. Founder reconcile their past relational and sexual mistakes so that they may convey an honest message to the younger women who will look to them for guidance on issues of love and sex.

*Fictitious name due to sensitivity of the topic

Response by Wanda

Cantice, you know that I believe in what you are doing at Verge. Unfortunately, shortsighted individuals like Ms. Founder are unable to see the rewards of this lifestyle choice. And I emphasize choice. Sexual education was designed to not only inform young men and women about their bodies but also to provide choices….So isn’t abstinence a choice? There are a lot of people who claim to adhere to an open perspective on sex education until you mention abstinence, particularly if it is for religious reasons.

Abstinence is difficult, rather, it is extremely difficult, especially if you enjoy sex. But no matter how difficult it is, I believe it is the best choice for men and women (particularly for those of the Christian faith). I can quote a ton of scriptures that substantiate the sacredness of the body but even further sex, from my experience, clouds your judgment, causes you to hold onto a dead relationship longer than you should, and leaves you susceptible to unhealthy emotional ties. I made a vow of celibacy, not in the monastic way, but until I get married. I made this commitment several years ago (or at least it feels like it) – probably more like 4 years ago, and it hasn’t been easy. Unfortunately I haven’t always maintained it, but I realize that my frailties do not make celibacy flawed. It is a standard (according to my understanding of the Bible) not an exception, so I must meet the standards of my Faith.

The biggest debate against celibacy is that it isn’t natural, and for those who do not ascribe to certain religious beliefs it isn’t; but neither is an STD or AIDS. (I know that some have contracted these diseases from their spouse but that is another topic for another discussion.) Although there have been days when I feel as if I am hanging on to my celibacy commitment by a string - because celibacy at 33 is more challenging than celibacy at 25- I then realize that the benefits will be well worth it. So when I meet my partner for life, with clear minds, we can make that lifelong decision based on a realized compatibility and not just on physical attraction. Although, I plan to marry a hottie!