Persona non grata

Guest Commentary by Demetre

The other day while I was out shopping, I came across an attractive and apparently—from the fact she wore no wedding band—single young woman. From the distance, I saw as she noticed me that her body language began to change as though she was bracing herself for some uncomfortable experience. By the time we came closer and I greeted her with a “hello,” it was clear she wasn’t interested in looking my way. I ignored it until it happened several more times over the course of a few weeks. I began to recognize a consistent theme –they were all attractive.

Are attractive women afraid to be friendly because they think guys have the wrong intentions? Maybe too many guys have approached them in a way they didn’t like or was inappropriate. Now they’ve built up a defense or think they know what every person is about to say or do. Are they justified in feeling this way? It certainly doesn’t help to bolster relations between single Black men and women. I feel that just like Black men have been ignorant or discourteous to them in the past, Black women continue the cycle by passing on the same treatment to each guy they come across. It’s the proverbial vicious cycle. I think this is the reason that so many people are still single.

There are single, available men out here who want to be in serious, monogamous relationships. I know quite a few. But it seems we can’t bridge the gap between what women say they want versus how they act. I’ve always believed that many women wait for the ‘good catch’. What I mean is, a guy who has the material things—a high income, fancy car, impressive home and fine clothes. These women won’t stop to consider a guy who has anything less, or should I say ‘looks’ like he has less. I think this is relevant because when you start to look for the image that you’ve created, you are no longer dealing with the reality of the way men actually are. Could this be another reason women have their guard up?

There’s definitely something at work that’s short-circuiting a healthy atmosphere. One where singles interested in serious relationships leading to matrimony can freely interact and socialize with others of the same mind. I believe singles deal with feelings of distrust, anxiety, fear, and negativity. These pervasive attitudes affect all aspects of single life, in one way or another. This potentially makes coming together among singles—especially Black singles—a tricky and pressure-filled proposition. No wonder so many men don’t treat women with the respect we have been taught to believe they deserve. Think about it, a certain climate has to exist in order to foster and sustain the proper attitude. How many places can you think of where this is the case? I would venture to guess you’d more easily find it in small, cozy American towns than in big cities—arguably, a group that includes Atlanta. Eventually, women learn to respond to men in the same way—with disrespect.

Being single, this whole cycle concerns me a great deal. Actually, I have had conversations with married guys who also see it as a real problem. I don’t know if there are any simple answers, but recognizing that there is an issue seems like a step in the right direction

Response by
Cantice

One good scenario deserves another. Let's say you are a partner in a lucrative financing firm. In the middle of a busy work day, you and your partner decide to have lunch at an upscale restaurant. During lunch, you and your colleague talk business. Then, up walks your waitress, a nice looking woman, a single (she wears no ring) black woman. Do you give her your card? After she takes your order, you look around and notice that almost all of the servers are nice looking women without rings. Do you start passing out cards all around?

I hope I haven’t frustrated you with this story. My point is that just because two people are single doesn't mean that they must open themselves to an introduction. Body language is the subtlest means that we have of getting our point across. If a woman tenses up upon seeing a man, she is subtly sending a message. Especially while going about our daily rituals, many people, not just women, don’t want to be bothered with anything unscripted. This does not point to black-on-black angst, it is just a by-product of our busy lives. If singles are brought together under the right circumstances, sparks will inevitably fly.

Response by
Wanda

Demetre I am really trying to sympathize with you, but I feel that there is a double standard going on. It is fine for a guy to pursue, be outgoing, or notice an attractive woman, but an attractive woman can't have her stipulations on the type of guy she pursues or notices. I will agree saying "hello" never killed anyone and sometimes people are just rude. But trust me sometimes a "hello" can lead to being followed through the mall or worse home!

Additionally, these women could be in relationships and possibly attempting to deflect any potential advances. Nevertheless, it’s always funny to hear a man talk about rude attractive women. But I wonder how many "Ugly Betty's" you say "hello" to on a daily basis? How often do you stop to open the door for her, or offer her your seat on the train? She could be the perfect catch for you, but just like the "attractive" girl is going down her list....you are too. Let me oblige you and give you the male version of the list: body shape and weight, facial appearance, hair length and texture...do I need to continue. We all do it, its a part of being human. But why is it different when the man gets negative responses from the woman?

More about Guest Commentator: Demetre hails from Birmingham, Alabama. A US Army veteran who has traveled the US and Europe. Demetre, left the military in 1994 to pursue a career in Information Technology. He holds a bachelor of science from DeVry Institute. Demetre currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia.