Keep the Pressure On

Commentary by Cantice

At church last Sunday, I sat on the edge of my seat as my pastor called for men to rebuild the walls of their own lives, and those of their families and communities. I was inspired by that message to issue a challenge of my own. Coming off of Father’s Day weekend, I’m putting out a call to women to keep the home fires lit by expecting more from your current or future man. For married women I dare you to expect your husband to make enough money to support you and your children. For single women I challenge you to be celibate and to stop dating men because you’re lonely and like free entertainment. To all my single sisters out there, I challenge you to call your girlfriend when you want to spend time with someone. Learn to be a woman’s best friend.

Before Father’s Day I listened as a girlfriend lamented the lack of good marriage material (men) in our local community. I responded that women helped created these “slim pickins” by being in relationships where we give our bodies, our emotions, and our financial and educational support. We have created male counterparts who have no reason to buy into marriage. Only those men who have been wise enough to resist the help we’ve offered sexually, financially, spiritually, and emotionally find themselves wanting us. Those are the men who marry.

While I recognize that women can’t change men, I think we help them in our families and relationships by setting high expectations of them. This is elementary psychology. It is how good teachers and parents inspire children. It is how good coaches and pastors inspire adults. Even the most self-motivated or spiritually-motivated person aspires to higher standards once he or she comes in contact with another person whose standards are just a little higher.

Those of us who came of age post-Sexual Revolution may find the paradigm of a male primary wage-earner and any celibate adult outdated. But if we’re truthful, many of us who tried to do relationships the new way were unfulfilled and frustrated. I think Wanda said a few commentaries back that there is “nothing new under the sun.” If we believe that, why don’t we apply it to our relationships? Married women out there are thinking that I don’t know what their lives would be like if they stopped working or made a change in career that put the pressure on their husband to begin seeing himself as the one on whose shoulders the finances fell. If that is you, please know that I don’t challenge a person to do anything I haven’t done. I’ve got to be honest here. It was my husband who put the pressure on himself to be able to support our family without my income. At the same time, he didn’t demand that I quit working, nor did he restrict us from following through on our plans to have children early in marriage. Today I’m reaping the benefits of his faith and high standards for himself as the head of our union under God.

To read more from Cantice logon to her blog.

Response By Wanda

Cantice if I didn't know you were born in the 70's I would think you were born in 1920! Yes women should have standards, and yes women should expect the best, I will agree with you on those points. But Cantice really, do you think that I should be responsible for making men into the marrying type or praying for God to send me a man to be the primary wage earner? I can't even believe that you are suggesting this ancient notion of marriage.

Additionally, there are many "traditional" women who can not find a good man just like all of us "radical" types. Also, give me a break about women having good female relationships. Married people kill me with this one. Of course single women have fabulous girlfriends and wonderful and interesting careers but just like you lay up in the bed next to your husband... they want to also. So if they appear to be focused on it... can you blame them? You should understand. And in my opinion the amount of the time you have been single makes you more of a expert on the subject. I meet married people who hold Single conferences... (huh?) who married when they were between the ages of 22-26. I am not minimizing their experiences but they weren't single that long so can one really speak to the challenges of being single to the rest of the adult population -those individuals who have figured out who they are (most 25 year olds haven't) and have established themselves financially and professionally (men and women included.)

A few years ago I heard a 40 year old woman speak at a Singles event (1 of about 3 that I have ever attended) and she had never been married. I wish she would have been more candid with the audience but she went the superspiritual route and didn't discuss her day to day challenges. But nevetheless I think if she was more open with us she could have really helped people. These type of people need to hold Singles Conferences not people that can't even remember being single, picked the first person who came their way or had been a chronic dater their entire life before they settled down.

Whew... I'm exhausted. I think that your commentary this week has been a blow to women like myself who try to communicate a new way of thinking of ourselves and of men. What is even more depressing is that your views are not uncommon among young women. Lastly, my reference to the famous line in Shakespeare's sonnet "nothing new under the sun" can not be appropriated for this conversation. But if we were to apply it here, for argument sake, then you should advocate that we stop educating our girls and teach them that their only goal in life is to have children and clean the house since that is the way things were done in the past.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.

NBA Finals: In Search of My Hometown Pride

Commentary by Wanda

This week I am not at a lost for finding newsworthy stories to discuss but I am at a lost for just.. it all. Between the TB bandit, the Republican Debate, Iraq War, immigration, the cost of gas, and the slew of missing children/found children, I just want to escape. So in my protest against discussing important adult issues I have decided to discuss what is the topic of discussion in my hometown; the Cleveland Cavaliers making it to the NBA finals. I am not much of a basketball fan although I devote some time to watching the finest point guard in the league, Tony Parker. Unfortunately, the Spurs have made it to the finals and now I have to root against him, which is not a practice of mine but I guess this year I will have to make an exception.

The Cavs experienced their last heydays in the 80's and early 90's with players like Mark Price, Brad Daughtery, Larry Nance, Craig Ehlo, Shawn Kemp, and Ron Harper. Over the years the Cavs along with the other Cleveland sports clubs have struggled and basically lacked sufficient talent to make it to the playoffs. We won’t even discuss the huge debacle with the Browns (please stop laughing.) I have felt fairly guilty about my disinterest in the fate of the Cavs and the only reason I know that they have done so well this season is from weekly conversations with my mother (who knows nothing about Basketball but has predicted the winning game score) and constant text messages and voicemails from many of you giving me the game highlights (all very much appreciated.)

I guess I can credit my overall disinterest in the reason why I moved from Cleveland. If you don't know a lot about Cleveland it is a typical Midwest city. If you have had the fortune of visiting good ole Cleveland you know that it is for the faint of heart. Not a huge nightlife, fairly dead downtown, limited career opportunities and extremely cold weather. When I left on a spring day about 8 years ago I vowed to never return (except for holidays and special occasions.) In many ways I am a stranger to the city where I spent most of my life because although I have changed a great deal the city and many of its inhabitants remain the same.

The victory for the Cavs this year maybe just what this lulling metropolis needs. I plan to visit home over the next month and maybe just maybe the excitement of having a champion team might be the boost that I need to resuscitate my hometown pride.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.


Response by Cantice

I haven’t seriously watched basketball since the “Bad Boys” played the Lakers and Isaiah Thomas went around kissing Magic Johnson (now Isaiah was fine). So I can’t pretend that I can say anything about this year’s NBA finals. I, like Wanda, would rise up proudly if my Phoenix Suns were to land themselves in the championship (even if I can’t name one person on the team and haven’t watched a game since Charles Barkley donned the purple uniform). What are hometowns for if they can’t give us a team to root for when we are oblivious to the standings or new talent of a team?

Unlike Cleveland, the city of Phoenix is on the rise. If you haven’t kept up, real estate in my hometown and in cities surrounding Phoenix is becoming unaffordable. City-dwellers from the northeastern U.S. are leaving their concrete slabs for a taste of valley life, even if it is adjacent to the desert as is the case in Phoenix. I left there 13 years ago to come to Atlanta and Spelman College—I know you’ve heard the story. The thing that kept me from returning after graduation was my vow not to go back until I had made something of myself. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I figured I’d know it when it happened. Today I know that I have made something of myself, well maybe I didn’t do it myself, but I know that I have the ability to cultivate myself and my surroundings wherever I am. I learned that in Atlanta after college. That said, I still think there is more for me to experience in Atlanta before I consider moving. There’s so much I haven’t done…and Wanda and I, we’re just getting started.

To read more from Cantice logon to her blog.

Love and Baccalaureate

Commentary by Cantice

Two young women close to me graduated this weekend, one from high school, the other from college. Both will go on to prestigious institutions to continue their education. One will go to a graduate school of public health, the other to Wesleyan University to pursue a degree in film. Both are fully supported emotionally, if not financially by their parents. I was happy to be a part of their celebrations and to see them pursue their dreams.

Ironically, I had a conversation with myself and later with my husband this weekend which acknowledged the dilemma that marriage presents to an independent thinker. I spoke of the ways that marriage is a direct opponent to a free-willing single life (the single is accustomed to answering only to his or herself and/or his or her perceived spiritual promptings). At the time, I didn’t mindfully connect this conversation with my attendance at these promotion celebrations, especially since it was driven by my frustrations at having presently to rearrange and balance my own aspirations. But clearly the two, my thoughts and their graduations, are connected.

I don’t happen to know whether either young woman wants to get married, but there’s a good chance that they both do. If they both do desire to marry, how did that desire inform their decision to commit to two or more years of concentrated study in faraway places? Is higher education both an intellectual enterprise and a way to improve the odds of finding a romantic equal? If it necessarily diminished the odds of marrying, would it be worth forfeiting? I apologize to those for whom this subject seems like an old, outdated argument rehashed, but if it is, what advances have we made in our ability to reconceptualize the preparation of singles in society who at once independently conduct their lives, yet strongly desire to be married. When do those who aspire to be married reorient their lives to partnership versus sole proprietorship? Does it happen during premarital counseling, while dating, after engagement, or when one confirms that he or she desires to be married? What other relationships can be formed or nurtured to simulate the partnership in marriage?

I might sound like a broken record as I express my concern for singles who desire to marry, but have yet to realize that aspiration. I think it comes out of my own ignorance to marriage preparation rituals (I am still going through the rites of passage). Still, I believe that marriage is like any other goal; active, tangible steps must be taken for one to draw close to the achievement. I don’t believe marriage is akin to salvation, success, or even completion, but I do believe it is one of many virtues. Successful marriage, like some other occupations, is synonymous with self-sacrifice. Equally important, successful marriage brings out the best in both husband and wife. I know I wouldn’t be who I am, and I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have without the support of my husband. Of course we fight. But I couldn’t have chosen a better sparring partner.

To read more about the ways education affects success in marriage log onto Cantice's blog.


Response by Wanda

Cantice I am not sure that being an independent thinker is the antithesis to a healthy marriage. I think being selfish and self-centered is more of a threat than an individual who pushes against the status quo. I think the larger issue is that women who are independent thinkers have difficulty being happy in a traditional marriage where women "follow" their husbands. Therefore many women try to achieve as much as possible before the wedding nuptials because they are fully aware that they will have less free time, carry more responsibility, and more likely suffer from exhaustion than their hubbies.

Cantice, I wonder if you would have had this same perspective had the recent graduates been male? Would you have seen their ambitions in opposition to marriage? Or would you have congratulated them and thought "What great husbands they will be one day?" Being aggressive, decisive, or an independent thinker is celebrated in men but these characteristics pose as cautionary tales for women. Which leads us to the dilemma...what are we going to do about? Absolutely nothing because our social structures, whether the church or home, foster a female who is the primary childcare provider, primary housekeeper, joint wage earner with limited decision making power.Her place is not to demand or think outside of what her family or the church has instructed her to think. Encouraging women to be independent thinkers would only sabotage the family structure as we know it.

History shows us that independent thinkers are enemies to the status quo. And women are no exception. I love to see young women who dare to follow their dreams without inhibitions. And I hope that these women will continue to dare to dream big and will find mates who appreciate and respect their ability to think.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.

Jesus, Politics & Falwell

Commentary by Wanda

Rev. Jerry Falwell passed away on Tuesday at the age of 73. He is responsible for Evangelicals getting involved in politics starting in the 1970's. Falwell mobilized Christians across the US after the passing of Roe vs. Wade and the development of the Equal Rights Amendment, to defend Christian family values through political engagement. Jerry Falwell who co-founded the Moral Majority was responsible for the election of Christian president Jimmy Carter and then later Reagan. I grew up listening to him on the TV because my Dad was a big fan. He made a huge impact on American politics; he was one of the most influential Christians outside of King in the 20th century.

Today I had lunch with a friend who asked me "Do you think the Religious Right will be able to recover from losing this influential leader?" I immediately answered him,"Trust me he has a prodigy. And his passing may actually encourage the conservative vote to continue his legacy of protecting family values." Monday on the Larry King Live show "God and Politics" had several religious leaders who discussed the impact of a candidate's personal religious faith on the success of their campaign. They also discussed Falwell's influence on politics and the emerging voices in the conservative camp led by mega-pastor Rick Warren and theologian N.T. Wright. These men feel that the true moral issue of our country is not the family but poverty. Unfortunately, Falwell did not participate in that discussion because of his illness but it would have been interesting to hear his perspective on the matter. According to the Gospels, Jesus was concerned and even commissioned his followers to take care of the poor and the widows. So if the Conservatives want to know WWJD, it would be to keep the poor and the marginalized as our focus. Possibly work on public education and healthcare, etc.

I am a moderate so I won't bother you with my issues with the Christian/Religious Right. However, it is encouraging to hear a prophetic voice from the Right; one that seeks to find common ground and truly embrace the Christian spirit of brotherhood and love. Nevertheless, it will be interesting to see what Conservative Christians will do about their front runners one of which is Pro Choice and the other a Mormon. Hummm... I think upcoming discussions should be very interesting.

To read more from Wanda logon to SummerBloggin.


Response by Cantice

I had to learn from Wanda that Jerry Falwell died, but I don't keep up with the news in up-to-the-minute or even up-to-the-day accuracy, as I probably should. I do know who Rick Warren is. I've visited his church and attended the Purpose Driven Church conference twice (my husband has four times). Our church, Destiny is Purpose Driven and has been since 1997, before the movement was popularized. Our pastor, Dr. Bryan Crute, embraced the model after he had already started the church in 1995. I think the history of my church and my pastor's vision for it, connects interestingly to the Religious Right.

Before starting Destiny, Pastor Crute was the leader of a non-profit organization that targeted college students to train them to be Christ-centered leaders with bibliocentric principles. Many of the messages that Crute delivered to us focused on integrity. At that stage in our lives many of us had either rejected or faltered to uphold standards of sexual integrity. We needed encouragement to upohld other Godly virtues, but we didn't need the same strength of encouragement to remember to do good to the poor or to remember the widows. Many of us were the "orphans" of the New Millenium, having fathers who deserted us in presence or action. And how could we forget the poor? Many of us were numbered with them.

As Jesus said, the poor will always be with us. Today, nonprofit organizations abound, and largely, they attend to the educational, healthcare, and other poverty related needs of children. If they do so from a religious platform they are often denied government funding. Many of those who operate without government money for religious reasons, are led by people who vote Republican, whose impetus to do good is intricately entwined with their religious beliefs. To imply that poor people are being neglected by either party or candidate is to misrepresent the facts. Republicans and Democrats disagree on the manner in which to support the poor, but they agree that they shouldn't be neglected.

I doubt that Jesus would be concerned about politics the way that we are. After all, having a king, president, or other earthly absolute authority was not God's intention for us. If he lived today, I don't think Jesus would care in the least about public education. Education is the charge of parents and not the government. Jesus was educated in the trade of his Jewish earthly father and he was prompted by his heavenly father to educate himself in spiritual matters. Jesus spent his time setting individuals free spiritually and correcting false teachings of authorities. Once people gathered, he would feed them. That is what churches and those nonprofits who do not receive government funding still do today.

Cantice is named ModestyZone's "Rebel of the Month" click here to read more.

Boys Need Not Apply

Guest Commentary by Pamela

Recently, my husband and I went to see one of his couple friends' new baby girl. While she was sleeping, a conversation was struck up about the other children and teenagers in the neighborhood and how mostly the teenage boys were causing the most problems (breaking into neighbor’s home, not going to school etc.). In the middle of his wife's narrative, our friend interrupted her and said, “See, this is why I didn’t want a boy. Aren’t you glad that we didn’t have a boy?”

What is happening to us as a people when even our men do not want to raise men? Is raising a woman that much easier? I have four daughters and I would tell [any parent] that [the way a child turns out] does not depend on whether the child is male or female, but on how you raise them and even that is the luck of the draw every time. Some children will grow up never giving you an ounce of trouble and some will keep you up at night, all night. With so many of our black men in jail, on drugs, and dying at an earlier age than women, it looks as if they have no hope. Wouldn’t it make sense to want to try and raise a new and better group of young men?

It seems that we are trying to take the easy way out, which could cause the destruction of our people. We have listened to all the statistics and television stories that show us the black men who are committing crimes and it is causing us to give up on them. We are constantly bombarded with the mug shot of the black assailant, while the mug shots of suspects of different races are withheld. Less black boys are in college, and even less graduate. Mothers push their daughters to go to college to become doctors, lawyers, and business women, while many of the same mothers push their sons to become football and basketball players, or rappers. We put a ball and a mic in our five year old son’s hand, while we put a book in our five year old daughter’s hand. Our hope grows for our daughters, while we lose hope for our sons. I’ve witnessed this dying hope first hand.

I have two young men that have adopted our family. They graduated from high school the same year as my second daughter. Their parents told them that they would not get any help from them to try to get into college; they said they had to do it on their own. One wants to be an astronaut and the other wants to be a fireman or something to do with mechanical engineering. My husband and I keep an update on how they both are doing. The aspiring astronaut had to leave school for a year so he could work and save money to pay for the next year of tuition. He is set to go back this summer. Meanwhile, his parents are doing all that they can to make sure that their daughter (who will be graduating next year with my third daughter) gets into the best college possible. The boys visit us all the time. One even brought his girlfriend over for us to meet her; he told her our house is his second home. The boys come by just to let us know how they are doing. Why? Because we care to know.

Response by Wanda

Pam your commentary speaks to what I believe is symptomatic to issues of gender inequality. We can remember in it our nursey rhymes "girls are nice made of sugar and spice, boys are made of rats, snails and puppy dog tails." Women are morally superior to men therefore we allow them to get away with everything- because they just can't help themselves. This of course is a falacy - men are not morally inferior.

The issue is that men and women, because of cultural and social contexts, have different needs in human development. And many times, it appears, parents are not willing to make those choices to support his development. Or sometimes he is raised by a single mother who may not know good male roles models to show him the right way. Or as you suggested, good parenting is not a 100% guarantee that the child will not cause sleepless nights.

I always joke with my friends who have boys and say, "please do the world a favor, and raise your son to be a man of integrity, with good Christian values, who knows how to treat a woman and will one day be a great husband and father." Because as a single woman, I am well aware that we have more than enough of the opposite.

Response by Cantice

I have to say that the husband’s comments, taken at face value, broke my heart. I’m thinking though, that he didn’t really mean it. Maybe he was just making the best of what might not have been his ideal. He had all girls. Most men want at least one boy.

I’m the mother of two boys who are soon to be 3 and 5. When my oldest son turned four, it was all I could do to read every book on raising boys that I thought was worth its weight. Not only is my son not female but he has a personality which is the exact opposite of mine. He is sensitive and cautious (while I tend to be a bold risk-taker). He likes to take his time doing things and he loves affection. I bring this up to say no parent should feel too proud to take unconventional advice when it comes to raising a child. And when it comes to raising black boys to be men, it is time to seek out some advice.

Boys of whatever race are usually allowed to explore on their own, unlike girls. Without guided involvement any boy could discover the wrong things. In our efforts to make boys, men, sometimes we prematurely leave them to themselves to discover the harshness of life too early. In the Black community we have to resist what may be our instinct to just let them go because of the sordid paths that have been generationally presented to black men. They need a little more steering than others without a tumultuous road ahead of them. If we keep this in mind, I believe we take a step in the direction of impacting a better future for our young men.

About Guest Commentator:

Pamela was born and raised in Boston Massachusetts where she met and married Dwayne, her husband of 22 years. Pam and Dwayne and their four daughters live in Atlanta, Georgia. Pamela’s motto is Love and Obey God, Love husband, Love and raise four successful
black women.

A Black Bushie

A Special Commentary By Cantice:

A Black Bushie: On Why I Still Support the President

All systems of political power are flawed. At best elected officials try to represent the collective of those who voted for them. At worst, you give a man a little power and watch him abuse it; you watch your congresswoman becoming greedy for gain and lose her connectedness to the average American. Perhaps the best and worst are both always the case.

I was asked several months ago whether I still support the President. Without pausing I said yes. Just like now, my statement silenced the room. The room was full of young (under 30) African Americans, but that statement would silence any room that isn’t a Southern Baptist sanctuary. I went on to name Bush’s initiatives that support marriage—before it became an issue to proclaim that marriage was between a man and a woman, I said that I’ve watched him put Social Security’s demise before the public in a serious way, and begin conversations on the immigration issue. Perhaps it was his beginning the conversation that gave Georgia politicians the guts to pass substantive illegal immigration enforcement laws. I have watched as he declared war against a world citizen who had broken the terms of his probation. Today I watch as he stands behind his actions in Iraq in the face of public disdain and inability to cope with the casualties of war. Bush appointed some of the Supreme Court judges who voted that the ban on an abortion procedure that delivers a full-term baby’s head before putting a whole in it and delivering the body of the dead baby (partial-birth abortion) was not unconstitutional.

My problem is not with this President. My problem is that I don’t see in any of the leading presidential candidates the type of leadership that it takes to run a country when the tide of popular opinion turns against you. People say that leading politically is all about the people. If that is true then that is the fatal flaw of politics. Leadership is about the one leading. It is up to constituents to look at the character and track record of the leader in question and determine if they will stand behind his or her decisions. When I’m stripped down to my core, I’m old school. I don’t run from a fight, you don’t talk about my family, and I call it like I see it. I think those are some of the mottos that the President doesn’t say, but deep down he believes. These are some of the mottos that down to earth folk and especially Black people have naturally lived by for years. It's too bad that they're not accepted when the President is the one living by them. I think many of my family and friends missed their chance to identify with him and to declare Bush the first Black President.

Who’s Afraid of Legal Immigration?

Commentary by Cantice

May 1st was International Workers Day. It was also the day which legal and illegal immigrants marked for demonstrations throughout the United States. Immigrants wanted to press politicians and the American people to make citizenship attainable for the millions of illegal immigrants who are currently living and thriving or not in this country.

I enter this conversation as someone who was born in the American southwest, and who grew up eating flautas and quesadillas (rolled tacos and cheese crisps). To this day my husband has to live with my proclivity to substitute the American loaf of bread for a 10 pack of flour tortillas. I also just happen to have a BA in Spanish. Do I say this to say some of my best friends are illegal? Well yes and no. Yes I am trying to show that I have been well acquainted with illegal immigrants in my life. And no, currently, I don’t have any friends who are illegal immigrants, nor do I make it a point to keep one friend of the sort.

I bring up the issue because after the War in Iraq, healthcare reform, and maybe after social security reform, illegal immigration policy is the next big issue bubbling before eruption. I think that we as a country need to realize that we will not be able to move forward with immigration reform without some concessions. There are probably hundreds of thousands of immigrants who have established businesses and households and have been living peacefully in the US for decades. There will have to be some sort of statute of limitation on deportation for this category of immigrants. I also think that to make immigration levels sustainable, tighter border control, strict deportation policies and fines for hiring illegal immigrants will have to become more frequent occurrences in law enforcement. Local governments will have to get serious about tracking and punishing document fraud and punishing other businesses who cater to the illegal immigrant market (who turn a blind eye to lack of or fraudulent documentation). Heads of States will need to be influenced to support reforms. Unfortunately, I don’t think either side of the border is ready for this.

In the worst case scenario, this situation could become terror-like or war-like if our government doesn’t begin now marketing solutions to US citizens and heads of other countries with high immigration rates to the USA. Even more radically than sentiments today, our national society could develop an “us against them” stance that could erupt in violence in neighborhoods throughout the US. If that were to happen, in case no one has noticed, here in the south the legals could be outnumbered.

Response by Wanda

I have mixed emotions around immigration issues in the US. I am definitely not from the camp of “deport them all” – unless they are breaking serious laws--but I also think that if illegal immigrants are not contributing to the economy they should not receive social benefits. As you mentioned, there is definitely an “us” against “them” sentiment that has heightened over the years. But forgive me if I still have a problem with completely embracing this country as my own and I cringe upon even celebrating Independence Day. I can’t help it, its from reading Dubois, Woodson, and West and living as a black American.

I have noticed that there hasn't been a lot of attention in the Presidential debates nor their individual platforms around immigration. However, this week many immigrants did march in cities across the country (except cities in Georgia where recent legislation was passed to “deport em” as soon as you can) to keep the issue before the public and not to fade into the background or be overshadowed by the war in Iraq – and that entire debacle is becoming so last Fall style season to me ---- boring.

I think our country needs to continue to acknowledge the opportunities that we bring to so many decent people that have left their countries for a better life. And although we can not allow them to be a deficit on our economy, I believe that many have proven to be a vital part of our economy. I am not well versed on immigration issues, fortunately my church is holding a conference on it this month, I am sure I will be able to speak more intelligently after then, but for now, I think that we shouldn’t begin a rampage to “send them back to the old country” as Bunker, Jefferson and Scott (that’s my Dad) would say. Maybe there is another way, maybe its all hype that they are going to “take over”- as if the powers that be will give them some type of political power- but what if they do? Does that make me any less American? Or make this country any less than America? Remember, its the home of the brave and land of the free… yeah right.

The Agony of Defeat

Commentary by Wanda

Many of you may remember a familiar line from the narration of ABC’s Wide World of Sports, “...the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.” My brother who was and still is a sports fanatic, watched it every Saturday afternoon and if I wasn’t locked in my room reading books, practicing piano or practicing my landing from an imaginary vault just like Mary Lou Retton, I was sitting on the couch watching this show. (Yes, I’ve been a nerd my entire life) This week the tragic news from Blacksburg, VA has been enough to make even the most jovial person slide into depression. I think that we must always make the best out of the hand that is dealt us, but those lives can never be replaced… they’re lost. I have watched the school’s response to the tragic events and I’m all for school spirit (“Go Hokies!”), but honestly this has nothing to do with school spirit. Their ability to overcome this tragedy, outside of all the measures they will take to change policies and procedures, will be the way they understand and handle pain.

We are a part of culture that wants to always excel, overachieve, win by a landslide, and beat the world’s record. But that’s not realistic. We don’t always win. Everything can’t be explained away by scripture or religion. Sometimes we get trampled on by life and that’s that. Sometimes just say “life sucks” and there is no easy way to rationalize it. I do believe that “earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal”; we do have to experience the sorrow and the lost. In the case of the VA Tech shooting, we lost not only 32 lives but also the life of the shooter. We lost because a young troubled man took the lives of others and finally himself because he was deeply tormented. We lost because 32 promising lives are no longer with us; what they had to contribute to this world will never be realized.

Those who will have to recover from this tragedy have to face the inevitable – the gut wrenching pain of loss. To be human is to experience pain as much as it to experience love. This world is not always loving and kind, but is many times evil. However, love is evil’s strongest opponent. And as those who choose to act in love know, that agony and pain are a part of what makes our expressions of love possible, necessary and powerful

Response by Cantice

I empathize with Wanda’s stance toward pain and remembering the tragedy at Virginia Tech. She well said that the potential of those 32 lives will never be realized. For that I have and will mourn with those that mourn. And like so many others I’ve spent time thinking through ways to prevent a similar tragedy from happening again. I concur with people who wished that students would have arisen courageously to confront and overpower the offender before so many lives were taken. But I also believe that universities can collectively arise to respond to this human tragedy by reaffirming their commitment to value human experience in the classroom.

My experience teaching English to college students for the past seven years gives me another perspective of the resistance to pain as normalcy that Wanda mentions. One of my areas of interest in the intersections of English, Composition, and Women’s Studies is therapeutic writing. Students and practitioners of therapeutic writing understand that writing may facilitate, speed, or complete healing from traumatic events. No one is sure how this works. Some say that writing gives the victim power to reframe the event and take control of it; others believe that just breaking silence allows healthy human functioning to resume. Whatever the mechanism at work, we all agree that there is something therapeutic about writing.

In the university, however, some administrators express discomfort and antagonism toward plans to teach theories and practices that deal with writing about trauma or affective categories to first year or lower division students. Their reservations are understandable. Shouldn’t talk of feelings be relegated to the counseling center, or the dorm bedroom? What place does affective demeanor and response have in our performance-driven classrooms and boardrooms? To that I have an answer. Before a person reaches “the breaking point” they exhibit signs that many of us ignore. I’m as guilty as anybody. And I know I won’t change unless caring is put on my agenda.

In universities, in the humanities division, and in the English department specifically, we do ourselves a favor by paying attention to “the writing cure.” Research in the social sciences (led by studies by James Pennebaker) has pointed for years to writing’s efficacy as a healing agent in both mental and physical dis-ease. But I am not suggesting we perform these experiments on students in the English department. In the English department, where writing is the medium, I am suggesting that administrators allow professors to give due time and space to the affective dimension of writing, to value writing that allows the author to be in the center of the experience and articulate feelings of pain, joy or dissatisfaction.

Going forward universities can reclaim the affective dimension as something that is good for their bottom line (emotionally healthy people perform better and longer). But, just as tenuous as the concession to allow students to write about their pain is the argument over how best to respond to these students. I don’t pretend to know the best way to do this. But I think that acknowledging the pain in the writing prevents the pain from boiling, like a pot on the stove that goes unaddressed until all the water is gone and something gets burned. That is what happened in Virginia last week and in the preceding months.

Loud and Wrong

Commentary by Cantice

It took news stories announcing Don Imus’ racist statements and the Duke boys’ declared innocence to bring me out of my self-induced isolation. So let’s get right down to business. Don Imus is a victim of his own enablers. MSNBC hired him for his controversial, backwoods commentaries and when his antics were highly publicized at an inconvenient time, he was fired. In the case of Evans, Finnerty, and Seligmann, formerly of Duke’s lacrosse team, justice served them as it does today for any perceived victim of reverse- or traditional discrimination.

That said, the prejudiced woman in me is a little disgusted at the way North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper is popping up all over the news exonerating the bunch of ex-athletes. When these three student-athletes invited two strippers to their home in spring of 2006, they must have been getting a jump start on refusing to be role models. If you know my background, you know I’m glad that the bunch was made into a spectacle. Immature sexual behavior brings its spectators and their communities into sinking sands of depravity and should be exposed, if perhaps to save one headed down its path. But if evidence in their favor was withheld and charges were sustained beyond the cases’ legal viability, then I guess they should be vindicated to the greatest extent possible; I would expect as much if the races of the accuser and defendants were reversed.

Justice in the case of Don Imus has a high price. On the one hand, it was shameful that a mainstream news company carried his Archie Bunker commentary. But in the real world, his radio show attracted enough listeners to warrant MSNBC’s endorsement. On the other hand shouldn’t some common places be free from indictment if members of one group want to candidly speak about members of another group? What I’m saying in plain English is, if Tom Joyner was to call Britney Spears a silly, ball-headed cracker, would the African-American community nod in agreement, or demand that he be snatched off the air?

Double standards usually come back to bite somebody in the butt. I don’t want it to be me one day. Whether in my classroom, at my church, in my living room, or on this blog, I don’t want to feel like my speech must be bridled, especially since my voice changes to cater to my intended audience. I do myself a favor to keep my speech free from obscenities or other reactive statements that would misrepresent my character on a good day. In the public sphere, when it all comes down to it, my voice, be it prejudiced, ignorant, or educated and sensible is all I have.

Response by Wanda

I think you’ve covered everything I would say about the subject. My natural proclivity is to deal with the Duke University situation, but this week I will mix things up a little and talk about the double standard African American women have exercised this week in calling for the termination of Don Imus. You should know by now that Imus called the Rutgers University women’s basketball team players “nappy headed hos.” I am not going to deal with the “hos” portion of his commentary because I believe we have discussed that enough. How about the nappy head comment? Why is nappy head a derogatory term? Most African American women unless you have loose curly hair, our hair is nappy (or kinky--I avoided the pejorative analogy “good hair" vs. "bad hair” as if hair has values or morals).

I will not mention the names of women, including close family members, who have literally prayed for their children to have “good” hair. What about videos, television and movies? How likely are we to see roles for “African-American” women cast with Bi-racial women who have curly hair. I even hear people say “Oh yes she’s pretty with that good hair” so what’s wrong with Don Imus saying out loud what you think or imply on a weekly basis?

I have not made the jump to natural hair so I gladly embrace my relaxer every eight weeks. However, I do not see an intrinsic value in naturally curly hair, straight hair or nappy (kinky) hair. Healthy hair vs. damaged hair should be our understanding of the quality of hair. If we empower ourselves and celebrate the diversity of hair textures (especially with our children) that would take the control from ignorant people like Imus to denigrate what is unique to our race.

Nothing New Under the Sun....

Commentary by Wanda

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. Ecclesiastes 1:9-10 (NIV)

We’ve heard this passage whether in church or listening to Shakespeare’s Sonnet 59. Nothing new? I began to think about the recent “coming out” episodes in the news including John Amaechi the former NBA player who so conveniently professed being gay after he retired, and Steve Stanton the Largo, FL City Manager of 14 years who announced that he was going through a sex-change operation. These things have been going on for years, centuries, millenniums; this isn’t new. The media and biotechnology has advanced significantly in the past 50 years, so sex change operations are possible and highly publicized, but individuals of diverse sexual orientations are not unique. So why are we so shocked?

Among these recent events, the story of the city manager of Largo, Florida admitting that he was going through a sex change was the most troubling. Not because he admitted to being a transsexual but that his colleagues feel that he won’t be able to fill his job position because he will be a woman. Huh? I know it will be strange to go from working alongside Steve to “Sharon” but he is still capable intellectually or isn't he? I guess many people still feel as if female genitalia limits ones ability to lead and manage well. Last week there was a 5 to 2 vote to start a three-step process to remove Stanton. Largo city commissioner Mary Gray Black stated, “I do not feel he has the integrity, nor the trust, nor the respect, nor the confidence to continue as the city manager of Largo.” Many of his colleagues said his secret life undermined his ability to do his job. Are these people serious? Why don’t they just say they’re uncomfortable with the sex change? Why must they challenge his ability to perform his job since he is well liked and respected throughout the department prior to his announcement?

Homosexuals, Bi-sexuals, or Transgender individuals are not 21st century phenomenon. Many of our leading artists, philosophers, scientists, musicians (secular and Christian alike) were not heterosexuals. How can we question the ability and integrity of homosexuals, as if heterosexuals are always upstanding and qualified? Or how can we act as if we don’t interact, work in ministry, or celebrate our lives with “closeted” homosexuals. Whatever we do as humans is old, recycled, and familiar because we really aren’t that original at all. Being appalled or judgmental is no longer acceptable. Being educated on lifestyles different from “the norm” is the new face of being humane. If the majority of humans did that, now, that would be something new under the sun.

Response by Cantice

If a person went through an operation to change from black (African American) to white (of European decent), no one would find his questioning strange. Nobody trusts Michael Jackson anymore—so what’s the difference? What is unreasonable about declaring that an official who recently underwent a major aesthetic and/or biological change be reevaluated for his suitability for public position? Why must it be called discrimination? Is it unreasonable to assume that Steve Stanton was previously unsatisfied with himself? I’ll add that he might be unsatisfied with more than himself. I wonder how he feels about masculine characteristics as a whole. It is just because Stanton is gay (he is actually transgendered) that he is off limits for questioning. Questioning a homosexual/transgendered/transsexual/lesbian/gay/bisexual/etc. about his or her lifestyle is the new taboo. But, if Steve Stanton is truly going to become a woman, then let him go through what women often go through when applying for a position: questions, plenty of them.

Just because homosexuality (transsexuality/bisexuality/...see above), is from “of old” doesn’t make the lifestyle any less grave as a radical aberration from the design for healthy relationships or self-identity. Religion, morality, and common sense work together to cause many to question the homosexual lifestyle. When we stop questioning it, we have become debased, callous and ambiguous. Showing just the opposite of care, failing to recognize the difference in the homosexual lifestyle shows that we no longer take the time to wonder about, or talk back to that which is peculiar to many of our hearts and minds.

Persona non grata

Guest Commentary by Demetre

The other day while I was out shopping, I came across an attractive and apparently—from the fact she wore no wedding band—single young woman. From the distance, I saw as she noticed me that her body language began to change as though she was bracing herself for some uncomfortable experience. By the time we came closer and I greeted her with a “hello,” it was clear she wasn’t interested in looking my way. I ignored it until it happened several more times over the course of a few weeks. I began to recognize a consistent theme –they were all attractive.

Are attractive women afraid to be friendly because they think guys have the wrong intentions? Maybe too many guys have approached them in a way they didn’t like or was inappropriate. Now they’ve built up a defense or think they know what every person is about to say or do. Are they justified in feeling this way? It certainly doesn’t help to bolster relations between single Black men and women. I feel that just like Black men have been ignorant or discourteous to them in the past, Black women continue the cycle by passing on the same treatment to each guy they come across. It’s the proverbial vicious cycle. I think this is the reason that so many people are still single.

There are single, available men out here who want to be in serious, monogamous relationships. I know quite a few. But it seems we can’t bridge the gap between what women say they want versus how they act. I’ve always believed that many women wait for the ‘good catch’. What I mean is, a guy who has the material things—a high income, fancy car, impressive home and fine clothes. These women won’t stop to consider a guy who has anything less, or should I say ‘looks’ like he has less. I think this is relevant because when you start to look for the image that you’ve created, you are no longer dealing with the reality of the way men actually are. Could this be another reason women have their guard up?

There’s definitely something at work that’s short-circuiting a healthy atmosphere. One where singles interested in serious relationships leading to matrimony can freely interact and socialize with others of the same mind. I believe singles deal with feelings of distrust, anxiety, fear, and negativity. These pervasive attitudes affect all aspects of single life, in one way or another. This potentially makes coming together among singles—especially Black singles—a tricky and pressure-filled proposition. No wonder so many men don’t treat women with the respect we have been taught to believe they deserve. Think about it, a certain climate has to exist in order to foster and sustain the proper attitude. How many places can you think of where this is the case? I would venture to guess you’d more easily find it in small, cozy American towns than in big cities—arguably, a group that includes Atlanta. Eventually, women learn to respond to men in the same way—with disrespect.

Being single, this whole cycle concerns me a great deal. Actually, I have had conversations with married guys who also see it as a real problem. I don’t know if there are any simple answers, but recognizing that there is an issue seems like a step in the right direction

Response by
Cantice

One good scenario deserves another. Let's say you are a partner in a lucrative financing firm. In the middle of a busy work day, you and your partner decide to have lunch at an upscale restaurant. During lunch, you and your colleague talk business. Then, up walks your waitress, a nice looking woman, a single (she wears no ring) black woman. Do you give her your card? After she takes your order, you look around and notice that almost all of the servers are nice looking women without rings. Do you start passing out cards all around?

I hope I haven’t frustrated you with this story. My point is that just because two people are single doesn't mean that they must open themselves to an introduction. Body language is the subtlest means that we have of getting our point across. If a woman tenses up upon seeing a man, she is subtly sending a message. Especially while going about our daily rituals, many people, not just women, don’t want to be bothered with anything unscripted. This does not point to black-on-black angst, it is just a by-product of our busy lives. If singles are brought together under the right circumstances, sparks will inevitably fly.

Response by
Wanda

Demetre I am really trying to sympathize with you, but I feel that there is a double standard going on. It is fine for a guy to pursue, be outgoing, or notice an attractive woman, but an attractive woman can't have her stipulations on the type of guy she pursues or notices. I will agree saying "hello" never killed anyone and sometimes people are just rude. But trust me sometimes a "hello" can lead to being followed through the mall or worse home!

Additionally, these women could be in relationships and possibly attempting to deflect any potential advances. Nevertheless, it’s always funny to hear a man talk about rude attractive women. But I wonder how many "Ugly Betty's" you say "hello" to on a daily basis? How often do you stop to open the door for her, or offer her your seat on the train? She could be the perfect catch for you, but just like the "attractive" girl is going down her list....you are too. Let me oblige you and give you the male version of the list: body shape and weight, facial appearance, hair length and texture...do I need to continue. We all do it, its a part of being human. But why is it different when the man gets negative responses from the woman?

More about Guest Commentator: Demetre hails from Birmingham, Alabama. A US Army veteran who has traveled the US and Europe. Demetre, left the military in 1994 to pursue a career in Information Technology. He holds a bachelor of science from DeVry Institute. Demetre currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia.

Crisis

Commentary by

Cantice

I’m running out of stuff to talk about. It’s not because I’ve exhausted my breadth of topics. I think it’s because I’ve been shut up inside of buildings studying for exams. It’s sad. And it brings me to my question for this week—actually, I’ve got a couple.Is it me or are Americans looking rougher than normal lately? When I say rough, I mean ‘broke-down,’ beat-down and exhausted. It's as if we need to take a nap. But it’s more than that. We need someone to tell us, “I don’t care how tired you are, you do not go out looking like that.” More than ever we need someone to tell us, "You don’t even walk around your house like that." (This makes me look back on my Spelman College days warmly, remembering the first week when they said, “Though we are all sisters, you do not leave your dorm-room in house shoes, and certainly not rollers and a head scarf…You are a Speeeelman woman!”) At the time, I thought they were bourgeoisie. Now I feel like they need to package Freshwoman week and sell it to the general public.

I was shopping at Wal-Mart recently—yes, I still shop at Wal-Mart (but less frequently cause the lines are starting to get to me.)—and I was hit by the fact that in addition to out of shape, the customers and workers in the store just looked tired. In the face, in the unkempt clothes, and in our responses to one another everything about us said, give me a break. To that, you might say—Do you expect to find anything different when shopping at the low price leader of retailers? Point taken. But I don’t think it’s just at Wal-Mart. I used to wonder if people were prone to bags underneath and sunken-in eyes genetically (that was before I ever saw the same in my own reflection). Now I know from experience that too many projects, not enough sleep, and not enough down-time will make even the most naturally radiant of us look scary. And that brings me to my second point—actually the two are only barely connected—for those of us who are tired because we’re going to school and working, is education really worth it?

I know this argument is old, but let’s rehash it. The more I stay in formal education circles (teaching in the university, grad-school educated friends) the more I see that I’ve got to have more than brains, not just to get ahead financially, but to like myself, to pass on something of substance to the next generation, and to not take myself too seriously. Beyond “religion” in addition to education, I need comedy, soul food cooked by somebody else, and maybe even a secret rendezvous (if it's just with my girls on a road trip) not to go crazy “up in here.” Am I the only one feeling like we’re working to our own detriment? How did the working class investors of old do it and not lose their families, their religion, and their minds in the process? The only inkling of an answer I’ve thought of is that having extended family around made things more bearable (when they weren't the source of the madness). But in the 2000’s we don’t have that. I live more than 3000 miles away from anybody who grew up in the same house or down the street from me (not counting my homegirl Olu from North High who relocated to ATL after undergrad). Being connected to her may be the only reason I don’t yet have gray. To anyone else out there who’s working too hard, my question is...,"For what?" And what are we going to do about it?

Response by Wanda

Well, Cantice it appears that you are experiencing what I go through on a weekly basis. I am so happy that you have been able to share in my suffering of extended study sessions. You ask the question “Why are we all so tired and unconcerned about how we look?” Let me speak from personal experience. As far as being “tired”, I suffer on a bi-monthly basis from sleep deprivation and many of you have been the recipient of my belligerent behavior during those moments of fatigue. And to your next question of being “unconcerned about how we look,” just yesterday, after sleeping for 5 hours, I spent most of the day studying Greek and at some point of the day I realized that I had left the house with a cute jacket, top, pants, and shoes however, none of these items should have been worn together in an ensemble. So this phenomenon can get to the best of us.

Now to your next point and I believe an important one, “What is the point of advanced education?” I have asked myself this every single day for the last 19 months of my life. It is my philosophy that too much education can be debilitating. You become very knowledgeable, the envy of your friends, but your education is irrelevant if it does not in some way contribute to the “real world. What’s the point? All those sleepless nights and social sacrifices can be like masochism if you don’t find its relevance. I do think through ministry, utilizing your talents for the sake of others, and being active in the world, is the only way intellectual investment makes sense.

The best part of mining through this process of higher learning is, as you said, having wonderful friends (who have ‘normal’ lives) and can create a balance for you. Good friends are definitely gifts from God. After reading Ethics or slaving through Greek verb tenses, I can call one of my friends and we will talk about fashion, entertainment gossip, or our next vacation. I like the fact that they will never ask about my views on Womanist theology or raise ontological questions about the existence of God. Although I do get the occasional religious phenomena question for instance “Do you believe that could possible be the tomb of Jesus?” (Editorial Note: It’s highly unlikely)

You raise another important question this week, “What are we going to do about it?” This question has made me rethink some things and I have decided I will commit to the following: I will commit to economizing my time better so that I won’t have to pull all-nighters on a constant basis, and I will vow to pause for 10 seconds in front of the mirror every morning as not to leave the house disheveled. This is still no guarantee that you may catch me walking across campus or standing in line at Target with an odd outfit coupled with dark circles under my eyes. But I will try to do better.

And last but not least to your comment about gray hair. First, although you don’t have any as of date, whatever you do, if you get any, please don’t pluck it because 10 more will come to its funeral. Secondly once you hit your 30’s you can look forward to your fair share of them, unless you’re lucky. And thirdly as long as you know a good colorist you can be a brunette for the rest of your life!

Predestination or Free-Will?

Commentary By
Wanda

Since beginning this blog, as a single woman, I have struggled with the natural inclination to talk about dating, relationships, men, blah, blah, blah... Despite my past victories, it seems that I am going to do what I promised myself I wouldn’t and that is to talk about relationships. However, I want to discuss relationships from a different perspective. My well meaning friends (I love you guys) always have an answer for me after a bad date, or a failed relationship, “Oh he just wasn’t the one God has for you,” or “God will send him when you least expect it” as if finding a decent guy is solely based on predestination or even worse I will be blindsided – ahhh no thank you.

For years Christians have struggled between the two ideas of predestination and free-will. Predestination means that God has everything planned out for our lives and no matter what we do ultimately we will complete everything that has been “predestined.” The ideology of free-will means that people have the ability to make choices about their lives. The significance of these two ideologies is that one believes that God has chosen you and the other, that you choose God. I do not mean to imply that a man could be God. But if as my friends would say, “God will send the right man” the implication is that neither he nor I have a choice in the matter; ultimately we are puppets in the master plan. Additionally, I do not believe that dating is in the man’s hand, he should not decide if he wants to marry you but you decide whether you want to marry each other.

I wholeheartedly believe that God has given humans free-will and we choose and decide what we will do with our lives. Although, there are several movements throughout churches that speak of fulfilling one's destiny or purpose, I believe a great deal of this is not fully biblical and designed to give people a greater focus on life – all well meaning, however, our only “purpose” is to spread the gospel. But I digress, back to my question: Is it possible to have several possibilities for your life? Couldn’t I marry a decent guy and make a conscious decision to stay married to him without him being the “one”? Or better yet, do these same friends believe that marriage is all spiritual? Anyone who has been married more than 2 years, knows that marriage is not all spiritual. Whether it’s a mate, career, or the right college for your kids I believe that the best decision is made through prayer, thoughtfulness, and research and it is not based on a set heavenly plan that is mysteriously displayed to us by surprise. Remarkable people and events are a matter of free-willed humans believing in great possibilities. All that talk about predestination is just phooey!

Response by Cantice

Sorry, I'm not taking the bait on this one. Predestination vs. Free-will can not be hashed out in a one page blog. In the experience Wanda gives, concerning her friends' comments, her friends are just using indirect language which puts the onus on God and excuses Wanda from any responsibility for a bad date or unwanted singleness. Any casual friend would do so. And the fact that they are in religious circles gives them a familiar language to do it in. (More about this later at the end of this commentary.) I haven't studied it in a while, but doesn't predestination specifically concern those who will be saved? Wanda's questions about her choices have more to do with God's sovereignty (will God let things happen that He doesn't want to happen and will He make what He wants to occur, occur?), don't they?

An Afront to your Aside (Purpose)…

I think that humans were put on earth to do more than spread the gospel, especially since “The Gospel” came after humans were put on the earth. Genesis records that God put humans on earth to increase in number, work and rule over the earth and its creatures. Humans increase in number physically by establishing natural and adopted families. We subdue the earth by creating boundaries that at once maximize the grand potential and beauty of nature and point to the majesty of God, while at the same time we control it and protect it from overgrowth. We subdue the earth by harnessing its resources to perpetuate our lives, and creating systems of governance that ensure that the earth and its creatures don’t begin to rule over us. Those systems of governance encompass our working fields. So a person could live out his or her mission or purpose by educating the next generation, eradicating the spread of curable diseases, or working to equip servant leaders to replace ego-centric leadership structures.

Words…

But concerning purpose, what’s in a word? In the circles that use the phrase, My purpose is…, there is agreement that God first saved me (from hell through Jesus Christ) and then gave me a job to do. So whether people say, my mission is…, or my purpose is…, or my goal is to…, does it matter? And concerning relationships, whether people say, God will send you, or you will find…the one, or someone, I believe they are expressing their prayers to God for your good on your behalf. They are praying for God to prepare someone to meet you and for you to be prepared to find someone/the one you will choose to marry.

Concerning your Date and Just Call me Dr. Ruth…

Spiritual language aside, your bad date was probably just payback…a little reap-reap for the sew-sew. Next time, you give me the scenario of the date, and I’ll tell you what went wrong. Better yet, tell me who you’re thinking about dating and I’ll let you know all of the awkward moments that you can expect. I won’t sugar coat it for you. You know I don’t mind giving my opinion. That is one of my “gifts.”

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Commentary by
Cantice

My family—mom, dad, and grandparents, was not “traditional.” They didn’t play traditional sex roles (mama was a young professional, daddy stayed home), nor did they have traditional values (Big Mama never went to church). I guess by traditional, I also mean conservative or strict. While my siblings and I were expected to respect elders, observing a certain reverence for their age and experience, we were not trained to say, “Yes ma’am,” and “Yes sir.” There was often a co-mingling of the younger and older generations in my family. The maxim, children are to be seen and not heard, was not necessarily true in our case. My home environment mixed with my personality produced a girl who was outspoken in every sense. I’ll go further to say that additional experiences in my life produced a young woman who did not observe the distance, or reverence that is traditionally granted authority figures. Despite my unorthodox treatment of authority, I’m not egalitarianist.

Egalitarianism is a principle championed by a strand of feminist theorists who advocate for equal treatment of all humans and who, additionally, deny differences between men and women, asserting that gender is a social construct. As I studied this idea, (naturally) I challenged it. The notion seems to ignore the reality of ownership and control fiscally, culturally, politically and spiritually. Those in support of egalitarianism would try to convince me that it was this type of thinking that “freed your people” when they were slaves. (In fact Christian doctrine is used (selectively) to support egalitarian ideology. I know I am opening a can of worms here, and maybe Wanda or another reader will “go there.” That is not my purpose here.) In class with assenters to the egalitarian concept, I sensed that people thought of me as traditional or conservative, or worse oppressed and self-loathing. But anyone who knows me knows I’m self-actualized. Most of the time, I love my questioning, challenging, in your face personality. Sometimes I try unsuccessfully to rein it in. Full-blown, my passion for my point-of-view doesn’t care who is on the other end of my hot breath, and that has gotten me in trouble.

In familial, governmental, church and corporate spheres, I’ve had my run- ins. But while I’ve known the protocol in those so-called secular environments, I’m sometimes unsure of my position in untraditional church relationships. For me the titles in the Baptist church made is easier to keep distance. We called each other Brother and Sister, Deacon Last name, and Rev. Last name. A drawback of those titles happened to be that we didn’t ever get to know each other outside of them. While, I know that no matter where I go, I retain my citizenship in The Church, I also know that I would feel uncomfortable if everybody called me Sister Greene all the time. And what would that mean?

Authority, hierarchy, status, and protocol as a family of concepts still cause me to wrestle to understand my role(s) within them. In relation to these virtues the only thing I know for sure is embodied in the related concept respect. And that, I’ve heard it said, You gotta give some to get.

Response by
Wanda

I don’t have much of a response to this week’s commentary but I will make an attempt. First, I would like to thank Cantice for sparing us the regurgitation of Christian & Hebrew Scriptures that are used to substantiate certain mainstream Christian notions of authority. Additionally, to your comment, “Those in support of egalitarianism would try to convince me that it was this type of thinking that 'freed your people' when they were slaves. In fact Christian Doctrine is used (selectively) to support egalitarian ideology….maybe Wanda will “go there,”" Cantice, Scriptures are used to support a lot of things- selectively – and I won’t go there.

Cantice you say, “I am not egalitarianist.” So what if you were? Does that make you any less of who you are as a Christian or responsible adult? What are you afraid to lose, or more importantly, what’s at stake for you? I find that many of us (egalitarians) want to wholly embrace our relationship with Christ and integrate into our church community. You may believe (as many others do) that experiencing your faith and following the “rules” of church are synonymous, but although related they are not the same. Egalitarianism does not mean anarchy or chaos, but merely alternating dominance.

Cantice, I am not convinced that you are fully anti–egalitarianism. I would go so far as to say you may not be as much of a traditionalist as you would like to admit. You could very well be a "suppressed” egalitarian. I say we revisit this topic in about, ahhh….10 years and lets see what you say.

Hopeful but Realistic

Commentary by Wanda

I am excited about 2007! With the House voting to increase the minimum wage, Jennifer Hudson experiencing the greatest revenge- success, Nancy Pelosi becoming the first woman Speaker of The House, two African American coaches squaring off in the Super Bowl, a man of Kenyan and American descent and a strong, intelligent woman campaigning for the candidacy of President, the future completion of my Masters degree and the upcoming birth of my brother and his wife’s first child together – things are looking up for the new year. Although, I am overwhelmed with hope there are just a few minor things that keep my feet planted on the ground - the reality of New Year resolutions.

In the spirit of realism, I have resolved to eliminate New Year resolutions. Typically this time of year everyone is re-joining athletic clubs, or participating in some extreme diet, or taking the more spiritual route by embarking on a fast with their church. Many of us have created the perfect New Year Resolution list, adding to, and deleting goals, until it is the perfect checklist of repeat offenders. My annual list typically reads as follows: 1.) Grow Closer to God 2.) Improve Money Management Skills 3.) Exercise 4.) Start Cooking 5.) Travel 6.) Gain 10lbs. My hopeful side tells me that I can accomplish all these goals but realistically, I know that I will continue to sit on my couch and watch reality TV, while scarfing down McDonald's french fries, and looking over my budget to try and figure out how I can purchase that must have purse!

What this year will bring we have yet to see, but lets hope that when we look back over the year realism wouldn’t have turned to apathy and hope would not have morphed into discouragement. Keep hope alive- you never know, I may actually use my check register and Barack or Hillary may lead the candidacy for the next President of the United States!

Commentary by Cantice

Happy New Year and welcome back. This year will shape up to be a good one because God will still be on the throne at the end of it. Therein lies my hope. I am not excited about Obama, and (as you may have guessed) I am mortified about Hillary. But, enough about politics, we have 11 months left to scrap about that.

I have some goals for '07: 1)repay debt 2)further develop Verge 3)pass my Ph.D exams on the first try. I also plan to play an even bigger role in my sons' education, since Joshua will be five in July. I don't knock resolutions, goals, or whatever you want to call them. I'd just encourage those who make them to allow someone to hold you accountable to them and to take the material steps to achieve them. I picked up an additional class (to teach) to gain more income and the board of Verge has agreed to purchase membership in a local center for non-profit development. I also created a book list of relevant reading and math activities that I can do at home with my son. I'd like to think I'm on my way to a productive year and I'm praying for God to make up the difference between my plans and what is right.

GOPers, Conservatives, and Libertarians keep on campaigning, voting, blogging, talking, and, borrowing the words of Jesse and Wanda, Keep hope alive!